Chloe and Heidi do the Blawg

Chloe,

2009-12-02T22:10:00.000-08:00

OMG, I know I used to love ouji boards, but now they freak me out! I am so not kidding. They are pawns used by Satan.

I didn’t tell you what happened about a month ago. I went over to Christine’s house. Yeah, I know, she doesn’t brush her teeth that much and she has a flatulence problem.

Don’t get me started.

But you weren’t around so I was trying to be nice and work on my karmic energy. It’s been suffering lately and I have no idea why!

So we were drinking a little (a lot!) and she broke out the ouji board. I didn’t really feel like playing, but she was like, “Hey, put on your big-girl panties and shut up.”

And I was like all, “Whatever, witch. Bring it.”

So after about a half an hour of stupid stuff (like being told we needed to eat a king-size bag of Doritos in three minutes) the ouji board told me that I had to kiss her brother, Scott.

I freaked out over that one. There was NO WAY I was going to do it. Have you seen Scott? EWH!

But Christine told me that I HAD to do it. That if I didn’t, the universe would spin out of control and my dog would die or something.

How could I argue with that?

I shut my eyes, and held my breath…

It was the most disgusting thing ever. He brushes his teeth about as much as she does. Meaning = never.

I vomited at least twice afterward. And those Doritos hurt coming up!

Come to find out, it was all a lie! He paid her five bucks to “rig” the ouji board. And here I was thinking that it was a sign from the universe, or something!!!

Ouji boards are of the devil.

And I’m never speaking to Christine again.

Still brushing my teeth,
Heidi

Heidikins!!!

2009-12-02T21:09:00.000-08:00

You are the best! Okay, I have all of our sleepover essentials:
* Boone's Farm and some Hard Lemonade
* Shaving cream for Jessica's face when she falls asleep
* Black Sharpie
* My phone so that I can snag her BF's number. Have you seen him??? So. Hot.
* Syrup and feathers
* My ouija board
* And for you, Depends.

This is going to be the best night ever. Oh, don't forget to ask your probation officer for permission.

Hugs!

Chloe

2009-12-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

Those were fun times. ;)

I don't know, C. You weren't there for me. I cried. You know how that makes my face look too. I had red, blotchy eyes for a week. My mom made me go to the doctor because she thought I had some kind of infection or something.

Spray painting SLUT on your garage did make me feel better. Even though it was extremely bitchy that you pressed charges. How could you? I thought... Well I thought we'd be BFF's 4-ever!

One more chance and that's it. K? Bring the Boone's Farm to Jessica's. She's having the girls over tonight.

C-U there!

Heidi

Missed you!!! *kiss kiss

2009-12-02T16:57:00.000-08:00

Heidi,

I hope this is still the right address. I am SO SORRY I haven’t been in touch. See, I met a guy… I know. We promised that a boy would never come between us, especially not someone from a drug rehab. But seriously, we were amazing together. We could finish each other’s sentences! Of course… all of Spike’s sentences ended with “Bro.” It was kind of annoying.

Anyway, I’m single again, girl! And I thought, who better to help me get back into the swing of things than my Heidikins? I need a girl’s night.

Hey, remember when we stole your mom minivan and packed if full of Doritos and Jello-shots? That was the best!! I think you made out with Mr. Gilberti that night. Member him? I wonder where he’s teaching now…

Anyway. Love you, miss you!!! Get back to me soon!

xoxo
Chloe

???

2008-09-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

Would you like to be friends again? I forgive you for backstabbing me and being a traitorous bitch.

Check one

[ ] Yes

[ ] No

P.S. I'm sorry I puked my lunch up in your closet, BUT you totally had it coming when you spray painted my car. That's all I'm sayin'.

Oodles of Kaboodles,

Heid-a-licious (that's what I'm calling myself now days)

Okay?

2008-05-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

Heidi,

So it's been like a month since you've spoken to me. Are you really not over it yet? Okay, so yes... I did make out with your Camp Counselor and forget to take you home. Yes, I did ignore your texts for the next week. BUT, you were being rude. And my life coach thinks that I need to stand up for myself more.

And finally, yes. I did tell everyone that you were sent to camp because you gained 85 pounds because of a glandular problem. SO WHAT? They congratulated you on your weight loss when you got back, didn't they? Sheesh.

Well, I'm putting my foot down now. You'd better get over your little tantrum or we are so not friends anymore. You owe me! I emailed you the bus route and got your chubby ass back home!

Hugs and kisses,
Chloe

do not

2008-04-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

DO NOT SMELL!

My car? Well...I sort of crashed it. Nothing bad or anything. They said it was totalled, but I didn't think so. I convinced my father to get it fixed anyway. And get this, I'm having them paint it pink! Isn't that soooo cute!

Tick... Tock...

2008-04-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

Tick... tock...

FYI, your feet do smell.

What happened to your car?

--H

Well...

2008-04-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

Only if you promise to let me borrow those shoes that I wanted. My feet DO NOT smell. I know you were just being mean.

So you'd better be nice to me, Heidi! You owe me BIG TIME for this. (btw, I have to steal my mom's mini van. My car's in the shop)

On my way!

-C

Seriously?

2008-04-16T11:17:00.000-07:00

I didn't call you, you dumbass twit. I'm texting you. And I'm not dating anyone. Hello, I've been locked up for a month. I can see my absence hasn't made you smarter.

Get over here now!

--H

Really now?

2008-04-16T11:13:00.001-07:00

Hm. Let me think about this, dear Heides. Promises, huh?

Oh, btw. Are you still dating what's his face? I can't remember his name. He didn't mention it when he was kissing my neck in the movie theatre.

Maybe Bucky Smifford should bust you out. He's obviously your new best friend. Afterall, you called him before you called me.

I'm a little hurt.

AND I MISS YOU!!!!!!! Life is so boring here. Everyone is so shallow!

-C

I SWEAR!!!!

2008-04-16T11:04:00.001-07:00

Thank god I didn’t return this cell phone yet. Are you kidding me?! You’re not breaking me out?!

You would believe Bucky? Over me?

Did you forget who I am? Your best friend, that’s who.

Who gives you fashion advice when you so obviously need it? Me, that’s who.

Who lets you kiss her leftover guys? Me, that’s who.

Who listens to all your crap that no one wants to hear anyway? Me, that’s who.

Who holds your hair back when you puke? Me, that’s who…. Well, maybe not that one. That’s gross. If you puke you’re on your own.

Even if I did say that, I’m carb deprived. I don’t know what the hell I’m saying. You try being locked up here, eating a maximum of 1000 calories a day, and see if you don’t go a little crazy.

FYI, if you don’t get here today – You are going to regret it. And that is not a threat, it’s a promise.

Love ya,

Heidi

THANK GOD

2008-04-16T10:51:00.001-07:00

You're still alive! I thought that creepy hockey mask dude might have killed you and hid you in the lake or something. I'm not going to lie. I'm a little upset with you right now.

You told Bucky Smifford that I was the one that should be at fat camp? Hm. You didn't think he'd tell me, did you? Well guess what, honey. A little tongue action goes a long way.

So I decided that you should finish your sentence. Ha!

-Your best pal,
Chloe

I'm on a stolen cell --

2008-04-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

You better get your ass here now! You've left me for A MONTH!!! I can't take fat camp ONE.MORE.SECOND. If you don't break me out of this place - TODAY!!! - I will kick your ass!

Oh, and bring McDonalds -- Two quarter pounders with cheese. They don't feed me here. It's child abuse.

'Kay, gotta sneak this phone back.

Toodles,

Heidi

I'll Die!

2008-04-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

Heides! I'll die if you don't come back soon! I am so furious with your mom right now. FAT CAMP? How could she send you there for 8 pounds? I mean, that's shallow. 10 I could see, but for 8, couldn't she kick up your pilates classes?

Ugh. Do they have you running around outside and stuff? Oh my word, do they even have a Starbucks!?

AHH!! That's it! I'm coming, honey. Don't you worry. I'm busting you out tonight. Oh, wait. I have a date tonight. But tomorrow! I promise.

Miss you!
-Chloe

Not Cool!

2008-03-21T11:43:00.001-07:00

Heidi!

What were you thinking? Don’t you remember what Helga did to you last time? I told you that telling her to get her mole singed off was a bad idea. You poor thing.

Well good thing you didn’t come over the other night. That movie, “Rocky Horror…whatever” wasn’t even scary. In fact, Lance knew like all the words and everything. Then, I thought, okay, bad movie. He’ll want to make-out. Only he didn’t! He kept calling Nicholas all night and I TOLD him you weren’t coming. So there I was, suffering, and he didn’t even put his perfectly glossed lips on mine.

You know me, though. I’m not one to take it lying down. So when I walked him to the door, I grabbed him around the waist. Only…he leaned down and kissed my forehead. ??????? What does that mean? He’s so hot and I’m so depressed. Do you think that he doesn’t like me? He laughed when I asked him and he said, “You’re too cute for words, Chloe.” So that means he does, right?

Oh, when I asked him if he thought Nicholas would be into you, he asked if you were a hag. A what? I told him that you’re seventeen and extremely hot (pre-missing toe).

I’m desperate, Heides!!!! I NEED a boyfriend!

Call me. I’m working all weekend.

-C

Chloe,

2008-03-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

*gasp*

I’m texting from the emergency room.

*gasp*

I want Vicodin. I am in so much pain. I must text you before I’m too out of it to make sense.

I have to tell you about my horrible, horrible day. It started off normal, too. I went to Starbucks and got a skinny latte, two shots of soy, extra hot – you know I can’t stand them when they’re cold. Why bother drinking it?

Oh, and BTW, I’m sorry I didn’t go to your coffee shop. The coffee there sucks. It has nothing to do you making it, of course. And I don’t like the blue walls. They make me feel claustrophobic.

Anyway, so when I was there, I saw Mariah and she invited me to go shopping with her… and I agreed. Ugh. Why do I do that? While we were shopping she suggested that perhaps I should lay off the Starbucks for a while since I was putting on some pounds. RUDE, right? I am still so pissed off about that. I may need therapy to get over the trauma.

At least my boobs are natural. – Oh, and I made sure to tell her that.

So we went to the shoe store. OMG! I got these amazing strappy black shoes. They are TO.DIE.FOR. OMG! OMG! OMG! I can’t wait to wear them.

Okay… where was I? Oh, yeah…

When I tried them on I noticed that my toes were looking kinda raggedy. Ugh. I hadn’t been in to have a pedicure in forever. I know – I’m not one to let my personal upkeep get sloppy, but all I can say is that my mom is still ticked off that I took the car out last weekend and got it towed. I mean, hello, the street was not clearly marked. How was I supposed to know it was a no parking zone?

So anyway… you know I swore off that nail shop… yes that one… but it is the only one within walking distance and, uh, see above explanation regarding the car.

I know I shouldn’t have gone there. But I honestly thought this time would be different. I did!

THAT WOMAN PRACTICALLY CUT OFF MY TOE!!!!!!!!!!

I saw BLOOD… BLOOD!

I made them call an ambulance. I do not think that I over reacted. I could have lost my toe. What would I do if I lost my toe? I couldn’t even wear the new shoes I bought!

I’m waiting right now to see the doctor. These nurses won’t give me pain meds until he checks me.

*gasp*

*dying*

Do you think they’re going to have to do surgery? What if I have to have my toe cut off?

I might die from gangrene poisoning,

Heidi

Dear Heidi,

2008-03-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

That is a lie! I was NOT cleaning the toilet. I was emptying the trashcan NEXT to the toilet.

Anyway, I met someone. I’m not sure if you know him. He’s a junior. His name is Lance. He is ULTRA-HOT. Perfectly styled black fauxhawk, nice shoes…He even gets his nails manicured. Total stud. He’s coming over to watch a movie with me later, if you want, I can have him bring a friend. I’ve seen him in the halls with Nicholas, the kid with the blond curls. He’s pretty sexy, too.

Let’s have a double date tonight! What do you think? Lance is bringing over something called “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” I hope it’s not too scary.

Call me!
-Chloe

C-LO!

2008-03-10T11:14:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the night janitor offer. It’s nice to know you’re thinking of me. Um, thanks but no thanks.

Anyways, I heard that it isn’t really necessary anyway.

Trey heard from Scott, who heard from Rachel, who heard from Mike, that they saw you cleaning the toilets at the coffee shop. IS THAT TRUE?

OMG. THAT IS SO DISGUSTING.

If that’s what happens when you get a job – cleaning toilets – then I’m not getting a job. EVER.

‘Kay gotta jet. I’m going to lunch with Mariah.

Check ya later,

Heidi

Big News!!!!!

2008-03-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

Guess what? I just got my first job! It is so cool. Ready? I work at a coffee shop. Awesome, right? I mean, I don’t know how to make it or anything, that’s what the drive thru is for, but it looks super easy. Plus, all the hot college guys hang out there.

I am so dope right now. If you want, I could try to get you a job there, too. I think they’re looking for a night janitor.

Gotta get to work. Love ya!

-Chloe

Hey Chloe,

2008-03-03T15:44:00.000-08:00

OMG, I think I’ve found my calling. You know I love to help others, and I’ve found my opportunity.

I was at the doctors this afternoon and there was this book someone left there. I was just flipping through it (cuz why read it? Wait for the movie, I always say). It was called, He’s Just Not That Into You.

First of all, I thought the whole thing was kinda silly. Why would a girl want a boy that wasn’t into them? And second, why are they letting these boys call the shots?

I had no idea there were self-help books like this out there. Because I’m totally qualified to write one.

I can write a book that will benefit all the boys I know. It will totally help them, I think. Sorta like charity. So maybe I can write about it on my college applications. Do you think I should mention it?

I’m calling the book: I’m Just Not That Into You. And then in it, I’ll give the reasons why boys fail to impress me.

My first chapter will be:

I’m just not that into you… because you kiss like a wet seal. Seriously, wipe your mouth and swallow before you come anywhere near me.

And then:

I’m just not that into you… because you won’t stop talking. Hello?! This date is supposed to be focused on learning about me.

So, what do you think? Do you want to help me write it? Your name can be second. What do you think the next chapter should be?

Sparkles and purple ponies,

Heidi

Phew!

2008-03-03T14:14:00.000-08:00

I am so glad what Natalie said wasn’t true. I should have known it wasn’t the basketball team. You HATE sports.

But guess what I just found out? Kimberly opened a fake myspace account and is cyber-dating an old dude! He’s like 28 with a kid or something! Ew…. Anyway, look her up. Her name is Angel baby. I know. So lame.

Well, I’ve got a jet. I have a Power Trippers Anonymous meeting. Kisses.

Love,
C-lo

Chloe, My Darling,

2008-02-29T21:52:00.000-08:00

It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, my homework is done…

I KNOW! MY HOMEWORK IS DONE. I knew that would get you to pay attention. Ryan came over last night and he did it for me while I watched. I never noticed what a sweet boy he was. So nice.

Except, you know, I can’t date him. He has a cowlick. I hate those. They sort of give me the heebee jeebies.

I don’t know what you heard – but it isn’t true! That damn Jack. He took me out on a date last weekend and I knew I shouldn’t have gone. His nickname isn’t Jack-the-stripper for nothing.

We had a lovely dinner, sure. He even bought me Starbucks afterward. So I was like, wow, this guy is hot and he’s SO IN TO ME. You know that I like that when they listen to everything I say. He just sat there, nodding, like he cared. He didn’t even try to interrupt me. Cuz you know that’s my pet peeve. What’s a guy have to say that I need to listen to anyway?

So then he took me to the beach. We kissed for a long time. It was going well until – he took off all his clothes! I mean stripped butt ass NAKED on a public beach! I would have yelled at him too but, uh -- well I was distracted. Can you blame me? I mean, when do I get a free show?

But I wasn’t doing anything. I didn’t even ask for it. He just assumed that I was all slutty-McSlut-slut. Which TOTALLY offended me.

And at that moment, Natalie showed up. Sure, I was glad it wasn’t the cops or anything. Cuz I really didn’t want to spend time at the jail talking my way out of having my parents called. Especially since I was a half an hour late on curfew anyway. But I KNEW Natalie couldn’t wait to spread nasty rumors about me.

She is SO JEALOUS.

I’m going to egg her car.

I’m still the big V and waiting for my Prince. Or, you know, Orlando Bloom. He’s HOT. So don’t believe the hype.

‘Kay, gotta hit Chem class. Mr. Richeart hates when I’m late.

XOXO

“The Heid-ster”

The Quarterback signed my cast!

2008-02-29T16:41:00.001-08:00

I know. It’s been horrible here. Thanks for staging that intervention. I had no idea how bad I’d gotten. Oh, and nice burn on Kimberly with the whole, “You’ve fallen so far Chloe, you’re beneath Kimberly on the ladder of popularity.” Her face was priceless.

Is it true? I heard some crazy rumor about you and Mr. You Know Who. I have to know…. HOW WAS IT??????

BTW, thanks for alerting the news team about my stint in rehab. The weather guy-SO HOT! We’re going on his boat this weekend. He says it’s going to be 70 out! Although…the snow isn’t melting as fast as I’d thought.

Oh well. I missed you love!!!!! We’ll totes talk soon.

Kisses,
Chloe

Chloe,

2008-02-28T20:38:00.000-08:00

I’m so glad we’re friends again. I missed you! I had barely anyone to text while we weren’t talking.

I have SO.MUCH. to tell you. I’ll fill you in soon!

Love Again,

Heidi

PS – Sorry about the broken arm.

OMG

2008-02-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

You're suspending me? How can the squad suspend me when I'm the flipping captain? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that while I'm gone, you're acting captain!

Oh it's on Heidi! IT IS ON!

-C

Chloe --

2008-02-11T13:43:00.000-08:00

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You are seriously losing your mind.

NUMBER ONE:

I did NOT start that rumor about you. First of all, I would have chanted “A-Fence” because really, that’s the size your boobs are, after all. Don’t flatter yourself.

AND there is plenty of true stuff that I could start rumors about, if I wanted to.

For instance, you're seventeen and still wet your bed and suck your thumb. Don't you think I would have spilled that first?

NUMBER TWO:

I can't believe that you would make up such a desperate lie as I have three nipples. That's probably straight from Spinz mouth. He's been reading too much Maxim, and is cross-eyed by now to have come up with that stupidity.

You need to remember who your friends are. Who stood by you and supported you? Like that time when you started growing a mustache. Who held your hand when you got electrolysis? Me, that's who.

I'm sorry, I can not continue to support you as a friend if you don't crawl out of your own rear and start smelling the real world.

Hugs and kisses,

Heidi

Whoa!

2008-02-09T19:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Heidi,

Um...did you start the rumor that my breasts are lopsided? Because Spinz totally said it was you. How could you? Did you see the signs they were holding up at the game?

"D-Fence! Or C-Fence?"

You're so lucky I can't hold a grudge against you. Because I would tell everyone about that third nipple.

Oh, and I'm going to be late for practice again. Photo shoot.

Peace,
Chloe

Dear Invisible Woman,

2008-02-06T10:08:00.001-08:00

What the hell?

First you ditch me going at the mall – I went with Mariah.

Then you ditch me at lunch – I went with Kimberly.

But… And this is a HUGE BUT… You can not miss cheer practice. Uh, hello?! You are the captain now, bitch. It’s your job to be there.

I’m getting seriously irritated.

XOXO

Heidi

You Poor Thing!

2008-02-04T09:06:00.001-08:00

Heidi,

Sorry I haven’t been around! I’ve been SOOO busy with this new popularity and everything. Did you know that the head cheerleader gets her own parking space? Sweet, right? Oh, and Mr. Bishop said I don’t have to turn in my Math assignment until next week. He’s so nice. He even offered to tutor me. The power of the skirt.

Too bad you didn’t win. I really was pulling for you. But hey, at least you have a hot guy now. Me? Oh, it’s too early for me to settle down, now that like, every guy in the school wants to date me. Kimberly said the power’s getting to my head, but whatever. She’s just mad because I made her wear the mascot costume. Haha. She looked great as the Beaver last weekend. With those teeth and everything.

Oh, well. I’ll see you at practice. I might be a little late because I promised the chess team I’d stop by and take some pictures with them for the yearbook. It’s really cool to be the hottest thing in school. Man. I really wish I could take you with. Maybe next time. :D

Love ya,
Chloe

Congratulations are in order… I guess.

2008-01-30T22:41:00.000-08:00

Whatever. At least Kimberly didn’t win. BTW, she broke into your locker and stole the hair out of your brush to make a voodoo doll. Just thought I’d let you know. If you start walking with a limp I’d report her immediately.

Not that I’m helping her or anything, but she said she needed a bit of your blood. Since I’m going over to meet with Shawn anyway, I told her I’d take her some. Can I stop by your house and prick your finger? Do you mind? It’s all for love. And I really feel like Shawn and I are a love connection. HEIDI AND SHAWN FOREVER -- I put it on my notebook and everything.

Are you still mad at me? You won, so I really didn’t do anything anyway.

Wanna go to the mall after school tomorrow?

BFF’s 4-eva,

--Heidi

Shh

2008-01-29T11:27:00.000-08:00

Yeah. I still totally hate you, but guess what?

Kimberly's brother Shawn just got home from USC and he's put on like twenty pounds of muscle. AND he ditched that mousy looking girl he was dating. And who do you think he asked about the moment I walked in the door?

YOU!!! He said he thought you were hot and asked if you had a boyfriend. I told him you started playing for the other team(still mad) but then I took it back and suggested he call you.

Seriously, Heidi! He's like the hottest guy in town. If you don't go for it, I will!

PS. I think you should drop out of the captain race. It's only fair since I found you an awesome guy.

-C

OMG,

2008-01-29T11:23:00.000-08:00

No. What's up with Kimberly's brother?

Tell!

Still not speaking to you otherwise,

--H

HAHA

2008-01-29T11:16:00.000-08:00

Very clever, Heidi. Too bad the pictures will lead back to your computer. You really shouldn't prostitute yourself like that.

(Randy Buckly is an excellent computer lab partner)

Tata.
-C

PS. Mariah told me the vote was tied. Let's see if you can make some friends before the vote. Oh, wait. I forgot. Sorry. You're a total bitch and everyone hates you. My mistake.

PSS. Did you hear about Kimberly's brother? Call me.

I had my mom call the FBI

2008-01-29T11:13:00.000-08:00

It's against the law to post naked pictures of minors. You know that, right?

Man -- Seriously, you are missing some braincells. That should put you away for LIFE.

Cheer captain, here I come.

Love,

Heidi -- 2.5 GPA and still smarter than you.

Whatev

2008-01-29T10:56:00.000-08:00

For your information, Officer Dan told me over dinner that my record was sealed because I was a minor, so bite me. Oh, and don't worry, your car is fine. But you might want to check the internet. Search under "Heidi forgot her underwear."

Yeah. Bet you wish you'd worn them now, right bitch?

-C

Rolling my eyes at your DUMB-ASS threat

2008-01-29T10:31:00.001-08:00

If you touched my car, I'm going to show that text to Principal Skinner. Your ass will be kicked off the cheer squad and I'll win by default.

Go ahead. Do it.

No wonder they know your first name in juvenile hall. Dummy.

The one with the brains,

--H

Grrrrrr

2008-01-29T10:22:00.000-08:00

Oh it is so on! Just because no one EXCEPT your gyno has ever even seen you below the waist, it's not my fault. And they weren't sores! It was a rash. And it's gone. So there.

PS. Good luck finding a matching paint color for your car.

-C

Cold sores?

2008-01-29T10:17:00.001-08:00

You forget who went with you to your gyno appointment.

Talk about "sores" and the fact that I know you're not a real blonde either.

Bitch.

XOXO - ForNEVER!

--Heidi

Oops

2008-01-29T10:13:00.000-08:00

Oops, I guess I forgot to tell you why I broke up with him. Hm. I'll wait until your cold sores appear, then tell you.

Good luck with the vote. Not.

-C

Oh Yeah?

2008-01-29T10:09:00.001-08:00

Marc's a great kisser, that's all I'm saying. The things he can do with his tongue...

your ex-ex-BFF,

--H

You!

2008-01-29T10:04:00.001-08:00

Dear Backstabber,

All I have to say to you is Payback’s a Bitch. A really angry, high-kicking, NATURAL blonde, bitch.

If you win, be prepared. That’s all I’m saying.

PS. Spinz says what’s up.

-Your ex-friend

Chloeeeeeeee!

2008-01-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

So... don't be mad at me. Please, please, please, don't be mad at me. You know I love you, right?

Let me just explain, okay? After the Make A Wish chick spoke to my mom -- my mom went all crazy about me getting ready for college. Stupid, right? It's like a year and a half away. It's WAY too early to worry about it now.

Anyways, so... she sent me to Mrs. Lipniski, you know, the guidance counselor. Mrs. Lipniski said that I needed more extracurriculars. Whateves.

I told her, "I'm a cheerleader isn't that enough?" Apparently not. I have to be captain if I want it to count.

*SIGH*

Sorry. My mom's forcing me to run for captain against you. You understand, right?

So now it will be Kimberly, you, me...

And Mariah - that turncoat - I can't believe she decided to run against you. You're right, she is a skank.

Spinz wrote me last night. He says he misses me. How sweet, right?

Good luck!

Your bestest sis-in-crime,

--H

***Vote Heidi***

Please make your vote (on the right sidebar). Votes are anonymous and YOUR VOTE WILL DECIDE THE WINNER. Voting will be open until Wednesday.

IT'S TIME TO VOTE!!!

2008-01-24T16:00:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I’ve got some important news. Marc and me are back on. YAY! After that idiot quarterback spread those lies about me, Marc has been so supportive! It’s really sweet. At first, I thought maybe he believed them and that’s why he was talking to me again. But he swore on his grandmother that that wasn’t the case. Aw. He loved his grandmother enough to swear on her soul! Isn’t that adorable?

Oh…. and in other important news. I got an early copy of tomorrow’s ballot online. Mariah sent it to me as an attachment, but I can’t figure out how to open it. I’ll just send you what I have and you can figure it out!

Well, tomorrow’s the big day! I feel like I’m on Project Runway or something. I’ll either be in or out. With a cute accent no less. Wish me luck!!!!

All love,
Chloe

C-lo,

2008-01-19T20:43:00.001-08:00

Talk about feeling pressured to go out with kicker dude. I mean, what was I going to say? The chick from Make a Wish Foundation called me personally and like, told me if I did, that she'd say that I helped a charity and I could put it on my college apps.

I really didn't see the point, I mean, what college isn't going to accept a genius like me? They'd be privileged to have me. But my mom made me. She said that she'd take away my car if I didn't go out with kicker dude.

Okay, first of all, his name is Kelly. Uh, hello. His parents must have been thinking to get his rear kicked all the way through high school. It's a girl’s name. There is no way someone could have thought that was androgynous. (BTW, I totally got that word from my word-of-the-day calendar. I told you it would make me smarter. Bitchin’ huh?)

Back to Kicker Dude… He must have learned to be a kicker to defend himself! I shall never refer to him by that name. He is officially kicker dude in my mind from this moment on. And I swear, if you ever mention the name Kelly to me – even as a jest – I'm going to make cha-cha-cha incident you had last summer look like a distant memory, got it?

Okay... so... it was a horrifying date. Like I said, I was pressured into it – goodwill and all, yadda yadda. So when he picked me up, I was pleasantly shocked. They'd done a good job cleaning him up, ya think? I mean, he wasn't super hot – hot... but he was passable hot. So I was reasonably pleased... until I took a look at the car he was supposedly taking me out in.

Uh, no way. Nuh uh, wasn't going to do it, not even for charity. *shudder* It was a 1980 Buick, rusted from the inside out – oh hell to the no. My rep was already going to be damaged going out with him I couldn't chance being seen in that beast of a car. Was he like a grandpa or something?

I insisted on driving. But first I made him take his car and park it three blocks away.

Dinner was fine. I mean, I talked and he listened. He was the perfect date. It fooled me in to thinking that there could be something between us.

It occurred to me that now that he was without headgear - and reasonably hot - that it might be kinda nice to kiss him. You know, just to see how it was. Uh, wrong. He totally sucked. I pulled away after his drool landed on my shirt and I'm like all, "DUDE! What's up?"

That's when he explained to me that he'd never kissed a girl because of his headgear and all. It was kinda sweet. A kissing virgin.

But still, there is only so much charity that I could handle. I didn't want to be the one who has to teach him. I mean, my clothes are expensive and I can’t have drool on them. So I gave him Kimberly's number and told him to call her.

I figure I'll give her a few weeks to teach him some moves - that slut must have some, after all – and when he’s properly trained, I'll steal him back.

I think your slogan kicks. But you know you could shorten it if you run out of room on the poster board: KIMBERLY IS A SLUT - VOTE CHLOE.

Caboodles of Toodles,

Heidi

PS: I saw that new hot neighbor boy finally. Can I have his number? I've never kissed someone with a tongue ring.

No Way!

2008-01-16T17:05:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how hot the kicker is without his helmet. Or his glasses. Or his headgear. He is a straight-up fox!!! OMG, you have to go out with him. I wonder if he got that makeover for you. Do you think? I heard it was from the Make A Wish Foundation, whatever that is. But wow! Seriously hot. You'd better go for it. Word in the halls is that Kimberly has her eye on him.

I decided on our slogan, especially since the vote is next Friday. It is: A Good Cheer Captain Leads Her Squad. She DOESN'T Sleep With Their Boyfriends. VOTE CHLOE.

What do you think? Too subtle.

-C

The Kicker Dude?

2008-01-15T09:57:00.000-08:00

With his helmet on? Honey, he has to keep his helmet on. He’s as dumb as a rock. He probably doesn’t know how to walk and the helmet protects his head. Notice, I didn't say brain... I need someone as smart as me. I mean, I almost have a 2.5 GPA. I’m like, practically a genius. I can’t date stupid people.

Okay… so… I totally chose our platform. It is “platform” right? Because I thought that was a shoe and then my dad made me watch the Presidential debates and they kept saying platform over and over and I was like all, if they’re going to talk about their shoes, they should show them and not hide them behind that box thing they stand behind.

Then my dad explained that a platform was a set of ideas that a candidate supports.

A light bulb went off in my head. WE need to do that. So I’ve been thinking all day, what are we going to use as our platform? And then it hit me – we can be vegetarians. You know, animal rights and stuff. It’s hot.

Do you want to know how it came to me? I was walking into Nordies and there was this girl with this tiny Chihuahua. He was so cute. But the girl was kinda skanky. And I kept thinking, man, that poor dog is stuck with a skanky owner. That would have to be awful. I’d hate to be a dog. There should be some kind of animal rights or something.

The idea wouldn’t leave my head the whole time I was in the store buying my new leather jacket. Which, BTW, is so hot. I can’t wait for you to see it.

I am definitely going to be a vegetarian.

We can talk about our new platform over lunch, ‘Kay? I’m thinking McD’s today. I’m craving a quarter pounder with cheese – extra pickles, of course. And fries – YUM!

XOXO

Heidi

PLEASE VOTE:

Should Heidi date the "Kicker Dude?"

Leave your answers in the Comments.

Oh SNAP!

2008-01-14T16:53:00.001-08:00

Those new t-shirts you got done, KICK SERIOUS CHEERLEADER ASS! lol. I love them, AND the way the XXX fits perfectly between the twins has not gone unnoticed.

In fact, Rob Roberts has asked me out! Seriously, me and the quarterback! Can you imagine the amount of popularity that comes along with that? I bet I can get you the hook up with the field goal kicker if you want? He's sort of cute. With his helmet on.

Anyways, have you seen the latest lunch polls? It has me ahead of Kimberly by 5%!!!! We've got this, Heidi! We are going to rule the school next year.

Love ya!

Chloe Love,

2008-01-11T15:39:00.000-08:00

Thanks for fixing my poster. It really sucks that there's no spell check with a marker. Or that auto fill thing-a-majig like on the cell phone. Don't you love that feature?! It's the best invention ever. It saves my thumbs from thumb-stress.

The pep rally is going to be awesome! But just so you know, Kimberly has Jessica and Vanessa on her side. I saw them putting up posters for her today after school. They are so fake. I hate them. Wasn’t it three days ago they swore they were your BFF’s?

Kimberly may not be bringing her A-game to the showdown. You know Jennifer? Well... I caught her making out with Marc today. Apparently everyone likes him without his blue braces. I saw Kimberly b---- slapping her. It was awesome. You know I love a cat fight. Meow! Thank god she didn’t catch you!

I was thinking… We need to up our game if you want to win. I think we should come up with a name to put on T-shirts or something. I mean, if the boys look at our boobs anyway, we should use them for advertising. What do you think?

You are going to be the best Kaptin ever.

Rock the VOTE!

Heidi

What should Chloe and Heidi’s cheer name be?

(A) Pom-pom Princesses
(B) Cheer Vixens
(C) Chicks with Kicks
(D) [YOU TELL US!]

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OMG!

2008-01-10T17:54:00.000-08:00

OMG! I love the posters you made for me! Thank you! Oh, btw, captain is not spelled kaptin. No big. I fixed it with my lipstick.

Marc must have been practicing because he is soooo over his drooling issues. Maybe because he took those colored braces off. I mean seriously. Who wears blue braces? When they're seventeen, even? Thank God they're gone. Otherwise I would not have made out with him for two hours. Well, I might have tried it, but I wouldn't have liked it.

Soooo...I was thinking. My house arrest ends on Friday. We should totally have a rally to advertise my run for cheerleading captain. I so think I'm going to win. Fingers crossed!

-Chloe

Chloe for Captain

2008-01-08T14:24:00.000-08:00

I’m so all over you running for captain! Rock on – rock hard, man. I’m making posters right now! You will, of course, get rid of that stupid no cussing rule, right? Because geez, dude, I feel stupid saying geez all the time. You know?

I totally get that you’re using Marc. I do. But… when you kiss him don’t you think ‘Marc with a “C”’ the whole time? I did and it was totally distracting. Oh, that and he slobbered. I don’t like having to wipe my mouth and chin after a make out session. Just sayin’.

I can’t believe Kimberly went on a date with your cute neighbor boy. Should I bring over the eggs? My mom just went grocery shopping. She’ll never miss them.

K. Text me…

H

Sniff, sniff

2008-01-07T20:18:00.000-08:00

Okay. House arrest sucks! I thought I was going to lose weight because I couldn't hit up MickeyDee's anymore, but I've gained 3/4 of a pound! That is insane. Worse than that, guess who had the nerve to show up last night? Kimberly. Only she wasn't here for me. She picked up my neighbor and took him out on a date. I know. What sort of girl takes a guy out? Gross.

So, new plan. Not only am I not quitting cheerleading, I'm going to run for captain. But before that, I have a little date of my own tonight. Remember Marc? Yeah, with the C. He's stopping by later with some, um...Mickeydee's, and we're watching a movie. What's a good make-out flick?

Kimberly is going to shit a brick. HA!

-C

Quit?

2008-01-05T19:54:00.000-08:00

Um, I can't, uh, quit. Cuz, uh, well... you know... uh, I wouldn't want to be a quitter. First of all, my mom would be so totally pissed if I quit. She spent so much money on the uniform - and I should know cuz she brings it up every single day (mostly when she tells me how ungrateful I am, but anyway...)

And, um, I look hot in the uniform - don't forget that.

I totally support you and all... IDO! I mean, if you want me to call a support rally or something - I'll cheer my ass off for you... If you want me to organize a car wash - I'll totally pimp myself with a sign on the street corner.

But I can't quit. I can't!

You have to fight this, Chloe. Please! It will suck being on the squad without you. Who will make fun of Kimberly with me? Who will flirt with all the football players with me? Who will puke in the bathroom with me after meals?

Okay I was totally kidding about that last one. Don't take it as a suggestion on how to lose that 15 pounds cuz we all know Jennifer Love Hewitt is lying - size 2 is so fat.

Well, yeah, okay, uh - bye.

Heidi

Heidi!

2008-01-04T16:28:00.000-08:00

Kimberly is a wench! How dare she even dream of kicking me off the squad after all I've done for them!! Did she forget about the 3 milkshakes and 4 hamburgers A DAY I had to eat to gain the fifteen pounds needed to be the base? I was a size four, damnit! She told me her doctor put her on a strict diet and I was the only one that would look good "chubby." Grrrrr....

Fine. She can gain the weight. I'm dropping this 15 and getting my rear back into that catsuit I bought last summer. Who cares if it's white? It'll still look hot next month.

If you're my friend, you'll quit, too! Remember that Kimberly is the one that superglued tic tacs all over your locker because you forgot to brush your teeth that one time before school. Just because she drives a Lexus, does not mean that we have to be friends with her.

You know what? I QUIT CHEERLEADING!

-Chloe

Hey C-Lo,

2008-01-03T18:11:00.000-08:00

Oh man, I can't believe you're on house arrest. You have to be the freaking luckiest person ever! A whole month without school. WOW!

Uh, but I have to tell you some bad news, though. Kimberly's pissed that you're missing so many practices. I suggested having them at your house. But she's called a vote tomorrow. She wants to dump you off the squad. What a jealous b----.

She was totally wearing an ankle bracelet as a fashion statement too. What a follower. I told her, all snotty like, "You have to earn it." As if she had the balls to.

Her reason for kicking you off the squad is so lame. She said that we can't compete without a base. Lame. Lame. Lame.

You can't get kicked off the squad! What am I going to do without you?!

We need Go F-I-G-H-T, FIGHT, FIGHT - unite to WIN, W-I-N - again, GO FIGHT WIN!

Crying in my Lucky Charms,

Heidi

House Arrest

2008-01-02T19:03:00.000-08:00

Okay. So house arrest isn't all that bad. Especially when Patrick(new kid across the street) is also on probation and isn't allowed 500 feet from his house. Guess how far my bedroom is? 498 feet! Ahhhhh....... We've been making out all day.

And wow. Tongue rings are really cool. I never really liked them on guys, but man. Patrick is a pro. He told me I should get one, but...I'm not into poking holes into myself.

Remember when I passed out at Claire's when they tried to put those earrings in me?? God. You would think by now technology would have caught up. A freaking piercing gun? Why not just get a stapler and load it with diamond studs? Barbarians.

Crap. My monitoring bracelet is beeping. I have to go call my Probey. He's on my nerves. He said I was a...what was it...a Sociopath? Something like that. But whatever. He's a probation officer. How hard is that job?

Talk to you soon.

Love,
-C

HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR!!!

2008-01-01T19:15:00.000-08:00

Your party rocked! Well, at least until the cops showed up. Luckily, I managed to get out the back window! Could you imagine if they caught me - underage and drunk?! My parents would have lost it. I just got my car back too.

Man, who would have thought that I could get so drunk off of $ 3.50 champagne? And that screw top came in handy after the first bottle, I doubt that I would have been able to get the cork popped on the second.

I hope you're okay. What happened after I left? Did the cops harass you?

College guys are hot. The one I met, we kissed all night. His name was Darren -- I think, but don't hold me too that. I hope he calls me. I do remember putting my phone number in his cell phone even if I don’t remember exactly what he looks like.

Guess who called me to wish me a happy New Year? Our favorite pizza boy. He's been promoted to manager and said that if I stopped by the pizza place, he'd give me extra toppings for free. Yeah right, like I would actually drive for pizza. Hello, delivery?

Sorry to hear the necklace came from Target. But, hey! I've been thinking, there may be a way to salvage it… Remember how I took that picture of you and Trent and you were wearing the necklace? You could totally sell it on Ebay just because it came from him and has his DNA on it. I’m sure some whack job will want it. You know, I think they use the DNA to make clone babies or something. Not sure. I should pay more attention in chemistry class but Mr. Roberts makes me fall asleep. I can’t help it.

Okay, well, let me know what happened after I left...

Love 4-eva,

Heidi

New Years!

2007-12-30T16:09:00.000-08:00

So, well. Me and Trent are over. His big surprise? A flipping necklace. A silver heart on a cheap chain. It was from TARGET! He's a damn TV star and he buys me that crap? Whatever. I'm over it. Looks like he was saving the good gift for his fiancee. Don't ask.

Now that we're both single, New Years Eve should ROCK! Last year's definitely bit the big one, but this time, we'll do it right. Would you like to know why?

MY PARENTS ARE GOING OUT OF TOWN! I've already began making up the flyers. After practice, you have to come up to the college with me. I know the perfect places to post them. Some college guys are what we need. I've heard they are so much more mature than the tools we hang around with.

Oh, BTW. Have you seen the new guy that just moved in across the street? Cute.

-C

BTW, sorry I forgot to pick you up from the mall earlier. At least I remembered to take you this time, right?

Chloe-Baby!

2007-12-30T14:32:00.000-08:00

You got an iPhone?! That is so freaking awesome! I totally want one, but my parents said that I spend way too much time texting people and if they got me one, they'd never see me. HELLO?! That's a bad thing? Whatever. They so don't get what it's like to be a teenager.

My presents were kinda blah. You know, the same old stuff... socks, sweater, pj's. BTW, why do parents buy that crap for Christmas? They have to buy it anyway. It's totally cheapo.

It did give me a great idea though, I had Kimberly for the secret Santa and I forgot to buy her something. I was totally freaking out. I went through my drawers and found a pair of socks that I never wore that still had tags on them - hey, they were ugly, my aunt sent them to me. So I wrapped them up and gave them to her. Who cares, it's a secret anyway. She won't know they came from me.

You are going to DIE when I tell you what my grandma got me for Christmas...

Wait for it...

Are you ready?...

[BIG BREATH…]

A Barbie dream house. What the hell? Does she think I'm like 7 or something?! It was totally embarrassing to open. My cousins howled with laughter. And all the while my mom was snapping away with her camera. Later she told me that of course we'd take it back, but she couldn't pass up preserving it on film.

Then my dad laughed and said that he couldn't wait to show all the boys that hung around the pictures. He was sure that it would drive them away. And it totally would. If you were a hot guy, would you make out with me if you thought I still played with Barbie dream houses?

Do my parents just think up stuff to torture me?

Plus if I got the iPhone that's just one more thing they'll take away from me. Speaking of which, my mom said that I can have my car back next weekend -FINALLY! It's been a whole
month. I've felt like a total loser without it. Thank god you sometimes remember to pick me up, or I would have gone crazy!

I looked for you after school, you said you were going to drive me over to the mall, remember?

It's so weird that you didn't have my number... I must have called 30 times to find out where you were, and that will log my number in the iPhone...

Just sayin'.

So what were you doing, really?

Sending you good karma thoughts,
Heidi

P.S. Virgin's ROCK

P.P.S. My thumbs are totally cramped after texting this whole thing!

P.P.S.S. Almost forgot… What are we doing for New Year's? You've got to spring me.

Oh, crap! I hear my dad coming to see if I'm asleep... gotta jam!

Karma

2007-12-27T19:54:00.000-08:00

Heidi, you are the nicest person I know, for sure. So you're Karma is not a problem. Remember that time when you lent me your stripper wig after my horrible coloring job? That was freaking saintly!

Anyways, sorry I haven't been around. My parents surprised me with the best gift ever. It was so sweet. An iphone!!! I've been on it all day, but I totally forgot to program your number. So I had to wait for Trent to find my old phone in the cushions of his couch. It's so lame that I don't have your telephone memorized by now. It was just so easy to use speed dial.

Well, Trent is here and he's gong to take me to dinner. He says he has something special planned for later. hehe. You know what that means, don't you? You will officially be the ONLY virgin in high school. LOL

love,
Chloe

My Dearest Chloe,

2007-12-25T23:36:00.000-08:00

You gave Juan my number!? What were you thinking? He kept calling my cell all through the night. Of course I hit ignore. But then in the morning I had 57 missed calls and 239 texts.

Who leaves 239 texts in one night? I mean, wouldn't your thumbs fall off?! Mine were sore after 72 and I was really trying for a record! He must be some psycho stalker or something.

But he sounded so sweet when I called him back. So I'm meeting him for coffee. How could I not when he called me his imbécile petit blond. Doesn't that sound SO romantic?! I really have to take Spanish again. Maybe Juan could teach me some?

I have to tell you, the most embarrassing thing happened to me tonight. BTW, why do these things always happen to me? Do you think it’s Karma? Because seriously, I am the most wonderful person I know.

Anyways, you know how my parents are crazy about caroling? Well, they made me go along with them last night. My mom even bought me a “special” sweater. Uh, yeah, I felt special all right. It was horrible, red with green balls hanging off it. And she FORCED me to wear it. Believe me, I wore a scarf around my head so that no one would recognize me. And it was a good thing too because I wore white pants (again, a horrible choice my mother made me wear. White pants should be outlawed) and you know what happens every time I wear white pants?! That’s right, my “aunt” came to visit.

Get this, my mom said that I shouldn’t worry, no one would notice since my rear matched my sweater. I.WAS.GOING.TO.DIE.

Seriously, I’m going to call a child abuse hotline or something. This has to be illegal.

Hope you had a Merry Christmas! I’ll text you later about all the gear I got.

Loves,
Heidi

Heidi

2007-12-24T12:15:00.000-08:00

Feliz Navidad! Juan is here looking for you. He said the number you gave him didn't work, so I gave him the right one. (he should be calling any second)

BTW, he TOTALLY speaks English. Maybe you don't understand his accent. He is from California, after all. They talk Really wierd there!

Well Merry Christmas Eve. Hurry up and come over! I stole a bottle of my dad's Scotch and the boys are going to stay and party with us! See you soon.

-C

Chloe,

2007-12-22T20:27:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe you talked me into double dating with Juan. I mean, he did smell like coffee (which I loved) and he was hot but… he sorta smelled like animal which I could only assume was donkey. That was kinda crazy.

The first half of the night I had an rockin’ time. I talked and talked and talked. He was so sweet and listened attentively. He kept saying something in Spanish – I have no idea what, you know I failed Spanish last year. It sounded like, “usted es una chica loca,” whatever that means. With my loose translation I think he thought that I was super hot. Don’t you think that’s what it sounds like?

But then I realized that he couldn’t even speak English. How to do you like that? He spent the whole night acting like he could! He didn’t even try to stop me when I was telling him about my mom and my dog and Kimberly and the cheer squad. I felt sorta tricked.

I was going to tell you, but every time I looked over Trent Tailor’s tongue was crammed down your throat.

Okay, well, I gotta go. My mom’s yelling at me to set the table.

Hugs,

Heidi

Heidi

2007-12-19T16:45:00.000-08:00

First off, it's not greasy. It's just well moisturized. Secondly, telenovellas don't need understanding. The acting is all over their faces. And naked torsos.

Anyway, I do have some good news. Would you be interested in dating Juan Valdez? Not the coffee guy, the kid that plays the coffee guy on the show. He is Super hot!!!! Especially without the donkey.

We can double.........

Love,
Chloe

Chloe,

2007-12-18T13:42:00.000-08:00

OMG!!! Trent Tailor from Awash with Desire? Hol – E – Cow!

I still can’t figure out why you enjoy watching telenovelas so much. You can’t even speak Spanish! What’s the deal? Although, it is rather amusing to watch you drool over the guys even though you can’t understand them. I mean, they could totally be talking about contracting herpes or something, and you’d still find it sexy!

So answer me one question, you know how Trent wears so much hair product on the show that it looks like he hasn’t washed his hair for weeks? Well…? Is it hair product or is his hair really greasy?

Text me back ASAP. Dying for the answer!

Heidi

Shhh...

2007-12-17T19:12:00.000-08:00

You are NOT going to believe this! So I was getting ready to go to your house, when all of the sudden, I hear the these little tip-taps on my window. Freaky, right?

Well, I go over, open it and look down. Guess who it was? Flipping Trent Tailor from that TV show!! Okay, so I know you thought it was super tacky when I sent him those pictures of myself, along with a note and a plane ticket, but HA!!!! Shows how much you know. He totally showed up, took me out and even kissed me goodnight. Don't believe me? Check out www. actorsdatelosers. com They caught a pic of us making out in front of the mall.

Jealous, much?

-C

Um... Chloe?

2007-12-17T16:54:00.000-08:00

We waited for you on Saturday and you never showed up. What happened? I haven't heard from you all weekend... WHERE ARE YOU?

Love,

Heidi

Dear Chloe,

2007-12-15T12:21:00.001-08:00

Oh SNAP! What I meant was, um…

WOW, I can’t believe you kissed Spinz! That sort of shocks me actually, but anyways…

I’m on wrapping duty today. The tape keeps getting stuck on my nail polish and ripping it off. Ugh. And I cut myself on the tape dispenser. Do they have to make those things so sharp?

I hate wrapping presents. HATE. HATE. HATE.

My fingers are numb. I’ve lost all sensation. Can you drive me to the hospital? I may be in the early stages of paralysis.

My mom wants to start baking cookies at 2. Don’t forget to bring the Schnapps. I can’t wait until you get here. She’s seriously driving me insane today.

Loves,

Heidi

Uhhh....

2007-12-14T07:19:00.000-08:00

Did you just say that YOU made out with Spinz? I made out with Spinz. Ew!!!!!!! I better have kissed him first! I'm not into sloppy seconds.

Wait! Now that I think about it, he did suspiciously taste like strawberry lip gloss. Gross!

I love cookies. I'll be there. (With a bottle of Schnapps that we can hide in your room.)

Love ya,(even though I just sort of made out with you)

Chloe

Chloe,

2007-12-13T20:59:00.000-08:00

I had to call Spinz! What was I supposed to do? Call your mom?

And I didn’t mean to make out with Spinz. We were just both so overcome with joy at your release that it just happened. By accident. I swear.

My mom is forcing me to make Christmas cookies with her on Saturday. I totally don’t want to. First of all, I’m not seven so I don’t get any joy out of it. And second, I can’t stand looking at them, smelling them and not eating them! But I can’t. You know our weigh in is on Monday and Kimberly’s crazy. Plus I almost was over last week. I mean come on, it was only an ounce!

Do you want to make Christmas cookies with us?

Love,

Heidi.

P.S. Had to go to the mall again to do more Christmas shopping. Curse you Santa!

Heidi

2007-12-12T22:31:00.000-08:00

I can't believe you called Spinz!

I can't believe I made out with him again in the parking lot! Officer Chris is soooo pissed.

Well, I'm a free woman again. And I owe you big time! $500 dollars big time! So what are our plans for this weekend? I need to let loose!

-C
P.S. Spinz or Chris?

Chloe,

2007-12-12T22:19:00.000-08:00

I hope you get this text and some burly girl isn't roughing you up. I'm outside with the money. But I'm underage so they won't let me bail you out.

Should I call Spinz?

Sorry.

Heidi

P.S. you're right, the cute officer guy is HOT. I asked him if I could try on his badge and he said no!

Heidi

2007-12-11T22:12:00.000-08:00

You could totally pull off pink! With your bone structure? Thanks for your dis on Rog. It really made me feel better. So better in fact, that his beat up old Pizza-mobile just got served breakfast. (Funny how my mother never asks where all the eggs disappear too)

Better yet, I got to meet the cute officer again. BTW, whenever you get a chance...can you bail me out this time? My mom will FLIP if she finds out I got arrested again.

Loves and kisses,

Chloe(5th st. Jail)

Chloe, you poor thing!

2007-12-11T14:55:00.000-08:00

It was because he was younger. Girls mature faster you know. Look at Marcy, she had boobs in fifth grade, remember?

Mariah just called. She said that she heard (from Kimberly most likely) that we were doing secret Santa’s for the cheerleaders and asked if her squad could join. I told her that Song and Yell didn’t mix but she hinted that if I didn’t let her, she was going to overrule me and go straight to Kimberly and ask her.

I think you’re wrong about her, though. She couldn’t possibly have done that with your dad. I think you misinterpreted the situation completely.

And I was thinking of streaking my hair pink. Now I’m reconsidering. Blue? Green?

Heidi

Dear Heidi

2007-12-10T22:40:00.001-08:00

You have the worst luck! Your poor foot! Well, if you want, I'll tell Kimberly that you have diarrhea and that's why you can't practice. She can't get mad about that.

Well, Rog and I are over. It was awful. We went bowling tonight, (I should have know better) and get this, he "accidentally" bumped into his ex-girlfriend. Oh. Did I mention she works there? It was awful. I was there, in awful shoes none the less, with him kissing on me the entire night. I thought maybe the smell of hot dogs and wood oil turned him on, but no. He was trying to make her jealous. It was horrible.

Am I cursed? Why can't I have a boyfriend for more than one date? I want to cry. Oh, wait. I already am. Help me! I just got thrown over for a girl with pink hair! And believe me, she was no Gwen Stephani!

Love,

Chloe the unlovable.

Chloe,

2007-12-10T20:21:00.000-08:00

I should have listened to you about the shoes. They pinched my feet so bad I got a huge blister on the side of my foot. In one day. Can you believe that? Oh, and get this, the stupid blister broke open and bled on the shoes so when I tried to take them back the store manager wouldn’t let me return them. What are we living in, a communist country?! What happened to customer service? So what if there’s a little blood on them. I’m sure no one will notice.

Kimberly’s going to kill me that I can’t practice again. Ugh.

Once again,

Gimpy

No worries

2007-12-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the warning, sweetie. I already called the pizza place and let them know that Rog's car broke down and I was giving him a lift. Surprisingly enough, the manager recognized your address. Turns out that you not only order pizza 3 times a week(found where those extra five pounds came from)but he's also been here personally. Said something about it being a hot ticket.

Huh. Rog and I found that hilarious. Seeing that Phillip, the manager, is like 30 with a beer belly. To each their own I guess. To each their own.

Oh, well. Rog and I have really bonded, and not in the way you're thinking either. We kissed for a few minutes and then actually talked. Like, about stuff. HA! It was wierd. He didn't care about cheerleading or the yacht races, he asked me to go bowling this weekend. I laughed. BUT HE WAS SERIOUS! I almost kicked him out right then, but realized, maybe this is the change of pace I needed. Someone that isn't so petty. Or horny.

Well, yay for me. We'll see what happens. BTW, I told Phil you were waiting up for him. Night, Princess.

-Chloe

Oops!

2007-12-09T22:40:00.000-08:00

Tell Rodger that I called the pizza place to find out why his car's been sitting in front of my house for an hour. I may have got him fired - accidentally. You'll apologize for me, right?

Thxs again!
-H

k

2007-12-09T22:34:00.000-08:00

Don't worry, dear. I'm sure he'll find it okay. There's already a worn path leading there.

night

Hey...

2007-12-09T22:16:00.000-08:00

Oh, good. I'm glad you're out there. When Spinz shows up, can you tell him which one is my window?

Thx.

Heidi

TTYL

2007-12-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

Texting you back one handed on Roger's phone while we make out in my car. Look out the window.

See you tomorrow.

-c

Oh! Oh! Oh!

2007-12-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

I totally forgot to tell you... I saw the most incredible pair of shoes at Huffingtons. Can we stop by there after lunch? They are TO.DIE.FOR. Swear. Pink with plaid black bows. SOOOO cute. But you need to get another style. I don't do matchies. And I call dibs on the matching handbag.

Mmm, pizza boy was good enough to eat. You were right! And he left me his number too. I sent him a text. You know, in the name of friendship and all.

Loves,
Heidi

I'm outside

2007-12-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

That's all I'm saying. My beamer didn't get taken away, remember? You'd better just grab your pizza and shut the door. No small talk. I'm watching. And it's a little late to talk about reputations, don't you think?

Oh, I'll pick you up at nine tomorrow. I found the best place for us to lunch. Tell your mom we're going to the library or something.

Hugs,
Chloe

Whatever.

2007-12-09T21:49:00.000-08:00

First of all... I think you're severely underestimating the power of "my girls."

Second... I'm grounded, remember? You can't come in. So I hope you freeze in the driveway.

And Third... I DON'T WANT YOUR LOSER PIZZA BOY. He's freaking younger than us - how embarrassing. I just wanted to get a good look at the boy you'd lose your reputation for.

Think on that when you're cold and lonely

-H

Dead!

2007-12-09T21:46:00.001-08:00

I'm on my way over AND I'm wearing the halter top I borrowed from you last week. I don't give a shit if it is about to snow outside. One look at my bare shoulders and Roger won't even notice your D cups!!!!!

-C

Sheesh!

2007-12-09T21:42:00.001-08:00

CALM DOWN, Spaz.

I JUST WANT SOME PIZZA. Can I help it if I requested Rodger to deliver it?

-H

Dear STAY AWAY FROM MY ALMOST BOYFRIEND!

2007-12-09T21:33:00.001-08:00

FYI! The only time you're allowed to meet Roger is if I'm with you! We know how this will end if I'm not. UGH!!!! I'm calling him right now. You won't beat me this time!

-C

Dear Chloe,

2007-12-09T21:29:00.000-08:00

Public school and a year younger??? He must be hot! I'll have to call for pizza tonight and check him out. I'm hungry anyway.

My mom put up the tree today... with the star I made in third grade. I.COULD.DIE.

Heidi

Dear Dasher,

2007-12-09T21:11:00.000-08:00

Was that you in the mall? haha. I heard about that. God. Your mom never stops. I remember that kiddie picture of you and Santa from the intermission at the Nutcracker. Remember when she put it on the screen behind the stage? Yes! I nearly peed.

Oh! I meant to tell you. I met a new guy. I know! Grounded and still meeting guys. He actually delivered my pizza last night and he was SOOOO sweet. Like actually sweet, not I just think he's cute and fool myself into thinking he's sweet.

His name is Roger(I know, Lame) and he's a junior at Cedarbrook. Public school, one year younger, poor! There are so many reasons for me not to be interested in him, but he was just so nice. He even complimented my new black hair when I know damn well it looks terrible. Then he asked me my name and remembered to say it before he left.

AHH. I love him. He didn't officially ask me out, but his name and number are on the receipt, so I think I'm going to call him tonight. I can't wait until you meet him!!! Rodge the dodge. LOL.

Talk to you soon, Santa's little helper.

Chloe

OMG Chloe – I am so irritated…

2007-12-08T21:16:00.000-08:00

Santa’s reindeer can bite me.

I hate that I’m grounded. I totally can’t sneak out on Saturday. It’s not fair. You were the one who was picked up by the police – and I’m the one who is grounded. I don’t see the justice in it all. I mean, what did I do anyway?

So my mom decided that she wanted to “bond” with me today. What’s up with that? At least it got me out of raking leaves. My manicure is safe for another day.

We went to the mall, my mom’s all fa-la-la about the Christmas decorations there. Whatever. They’re nice and all, but she doesn’t have to keep going on about it. They’re not that exciting.

Since I am grounded she’s being all Scrooge about buying me stuff. I really needed some moisturizer and did she buy it for me? Oh, no. She was all like, “get a job and pay for it yourself.” Yeah, as if. I was all like, “I have a job, it’s going to school,” duh! “And how do you expect me to work and get good grades?” Then she pointed out that my grades were C’s. Which I thought was a low blow. And she should be happy about the C’s, if I was working they’d probably be lower.

So there I was, in the middle of the mall (with no moisturizer, mind you) and who do I see? My nemesis – Santa Claus.

Have I ever told you about my early childhood trauma with Santa Claus? My mom made me sit on his lap every year for our family Christmas picture – torture. Anyways, when I was four, the Santa dropped me on my head. At that exact moment, they took the picture. Despite my obvious need for medical care, my mom thought it was hilarious and bought the picture anyway, sending it out to all the family members. Now every Christmas they sing to me, “Heidi got dropped on her head by Santa,” to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

Needless to say – I hate Santa Claus.

To make it worse, every Christmas as part of our decorations, my mom pulls out an 11x13 framed picture of the incident.

My mom got it into her head that it would be cute for me to pose with Santa again, just like I’d done when I was little. Of course I said there was no way in hell I was going to do that – although, it may have sounded like, “No, mom, please don’t make me do it. PLEASE.”

She insisted. *shudder*

I was all right until I got to the front of the line. When the “happy elf” led me to Santa, I lost it. I broke down crying like a baby. My face got all blotchy and I couldn’t breathe. And once again my mom bought the picture anyway. I wonder what my family is going to sing about me now?

My mom, knowing that I was upset, suggested we go for Starbucks. Normally that would make me feel better, but…

I was trying to get into the holiday spirit – despite the fact that my crying fit had left my nose as red as Rudolph. I ordered a non-fat peppermint latte. And wouldn’t you believe it… they ran out of peppermint. That’s like, the one flavor you have to have for Christmas!

I hate this holiday.

Ba humbug,

Heidi

Dear Heidi

2007-12-08T13:50:00.000-08:00

Ew! She told you that? I am so over that bitch. She'd better watch herself. Next time she goes up to the top of the pyramid, her overly fat-padded rear is going to smack the floor. No way I'm basket catching that wench.

Oh, gotta go. She's beeping out front and we're going Christmas shopping. Write ya when I get back.

-C

Dear Chloe

2007-12-08T13:23:00.001-08:00

Okay, whatever. I would totally never do anything with Marc. He’s squirrelly remember? We’re just friends. He tells me all about Kimberly and I listen and laugh. It’s sorta like recon… since you won’t believe all the crap she’s been saying about us. Or rather you.

For instance, Kimberly told Marc that you told her that you thought I was needy and clingy. Is that true? I mean, I can’t believe you would say that about me but…

Confused,

Heidi

Dear Heidi

2007-12-08T09:10:00.001-08:00

Guess who called me last night sobbing? Kimberly. Apparantly, she's like totally heartbroken about you and Marc. She even brought up the idea that you be permanately removed from the cheer squad!

Oh, it's on. I didn't say anything to her other than "You know Heidi steals boyfriends," but I was just trying to make her stop blubbering. It was seriously disgusting after a while.

I gotta jet. I have some black hair dye in and the time is just about up.

Hugs,
Chloe

Chloe

2007-12-06T20:35:00.000-08:00

I can’t do a road trip. How am I supposed to sneak out of lockdown? I can sneak out during the day while my parents are at work, sure. But then they check on me when they get home… after that, I’m free for the rest of the night (wink wink). I would totally tell them that I’d stay at your house, except that they won’t even let me go there! I don’t know how I’m going to survive

My parents were not happy about the fight with Stella. OMG, did they ever go on and on talking about responsibilities. Whatever. Like, I know what responsibilities are, I’m a member of the cheer squad, hello?

We need to plan stuff during the day when I can sneak out. Cuz I swear, I can’t stick around here. There’s only so much of flower wallpaper I can take before I go slightly crazy. Dig? And I’m supposed to be cleaning as punishment but I think I’ll let the cleaning lady take care of that. They can’t really expect me to clean, can they? It’s like, child abuse.

I was thinking, we could go to the tanning salon. I need to seriously work on my tan. I hate the winter, without upkeep my skin turns marshmallow white. And it’s too cold to wear belly shirts.

Guess who’s coming over tonight… MARC! When he called I told him that I was grounded. He said not to worry that he was an expert at climbing in windows. I said cool, just bring me a nonfat sugar-free latte. I’m staying away from the alcohol tonight. I’m still a bit sick.

Catch you tomorrow after my mom leaves for work,

Heidi

Dear Heidi

2007-12-06T07:08:00.001-08:00

Wow. I was fully prepared to hate your guts for life until this morning. Thank you for sticking up for me. Not that I couldn't fight Stella on my own, but when you dove in front me, blocking the handful of chocolate pudding she threw at me, I was filled with admiration. I'm sorry your new shirt was ruined, I did love it. But now, you're a legend.

Oh, and when you picked up the lunch tray and side armed it across the room knocking off her designer glasses! Classic! I think by the time the principal arrived we had thoroughly kicked her ass. HAHA. She'll need a whole body scarf after that incident.

Sorry about your parents. Thank God mine barely notice me! Parents like yours would drive me up the wall! I don't how you take it. And...sorry about the cold sores on your mouth. I should have told you about Spinz issue.

Okay best friend! We're like, off of school for three days! (suspension is the lamest idea of punishment I ever heard) I have one word for you: ROADTRIP.

Love ya,

Chloe

Chloe… PLEASE DON’T HATE ME!

2007-12-05T20:39:00.001-08:00

My head is SPLITTING, my mouth feels like cotton and I think I’m going to DIE.

You can’t be mad at me, okay? Because the worst thing happened… Spinz said that everclear was totally lighter than schnapps and to take an extra three shots to equal it out. And I believed the lying sack of crap!

I got so drunk that I really don’t remember what happened. But I don’t think I did anything, my bra was still on. I must of passed out because I woke up this morning to my dad screaming bloody murder. It was horrible. And there was Spinz jumping out my window – from the second floor, right on to the rose bushes! My mom was pissed they were ruined.

As punishment I have to rake the backyard today after school. Don’t they get that I can’t be in dirt? What about my nails? They’ll be ruined and that’s after I survived the mauling by Helga!

Plus I’ll miss cheer practice. Well, that’s not so bad, Kimberly’s driving me insane.

And they took my car away. SERIOUSLY. What I did wasn’t even that bad! What are they going to do next?! I have the most horrible parents in the entire world.

So see, you can’t be mad at me. Don’t you have any compassion that I have the worst parents ever?

Oh, and can you please pick me up for school? I can’t walk, I’m still gimpy.

Yours devotedly,

Heidi

Dear Two-Face

2007-12-05T18:09:00.000-08:00

Uh....what?

-C

Cleoe

2007-12-04T20:53:00.000-08:00

I’s sory. Ment to go w/u. Spinz here – brought alcholz.

Text ya tomorow.

Heids

Dear Heidi

2007-12-04T20:40:00.000-08:00

Um....you're not answering your texts so the guard let me use his computer for a minute. (Good thing I wore that push up bra you told me about).

Anyways, Can you come get me? It's $500 and I, uh, don't want to wake my parents. Take your time, though. Jason(the twenty-something year old corrections officer) totally has the hots for me. *Wink, Wink*

Do you think he'd buy our alcohol for this weekend?

Ta-ta,

Chloes

C-lo

2007-12-04T20:02:00.000-08:00

Hell yeah I'm in! What time?

-Heids

Chloe and Heidi do the Blawg

Chloe,

Heidikins!!!

Chloe

Missed you!!! *kiss kiss

???

Okay?

do not

Tick... Tock...

Well...

Seriously?

Really now?

I SWEAR!!!!

THANK GOD

I'm on a stolen cell --

I'll Die!

Not Cool!

Chloe,

Dear Heidi,

C-LO!

Big News!!!!!

Hey Chloe,

Phew!

Chloe, My Darling,

The Quarterback signed my cast!

Chloe,

OMG

Chloe --

Whoa!

Dear Invisible Woman,

You Poor Thing!

Congratulations are in order… I guess.

Shh

OMG,

HAHA

I had my mom call the FBI

Whatev

*Rolling my eyes at your DUMB-ASS threat*

Grrrrrr

Cold sores?

Oops

Oh Yeah?

You!

Chloeeeeeeee!

IT'S TIME TO VOTE!!!

C-lo,

No Way!

The Kicker Dude?

Oh SNAP!

Chloe Love,

OMG!

Chloe for Captain

Sniff, sniff

Quit?

Heidi!

Hey C-Lo,

House Arrest

HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR!!!

New Years!

Chloe-Baby!

Karma

My Dearest Chloe,

Heidi

Chloe,

Heidi

Chloe,

Shhh...

Um... Chloe?

Dear Chloe,

Uhhh....

Chloe,

Heidi

Chloe,

Heidi

Chloe, you poor thing!

Dear Heidi

Chloe,

No worries

Oops!

k

Rolling my eyes at your DUMB-ASS threat