Not Cool!

Heidi!

What were you thinking? Don’t you remember what Helga did to you last time? I told you that telling her to get her mole singed off was a bad idea. You poor thing.

Well good thing you didn’t come over the other night. That movie, “Rocky Horror…whatever” wasn’t even scary. In fact, Lance knew like all the words and everything. Then, I thought, okay, bad movie. He’ll want to make-out. Only he didn’t! He kept calling Nicholas all night and I TOLD him you weren’t coming. So there I was, suffering, and he didn’t even put his perfectly glossed lips on mine.

You know me, though. I’m not one to take it lying down. So when I walked him to the door, I grabbed him around the waist. Only…he leaned down and kissed my forehead. ??????? What does that mean? He’s so hot and I’m so depressed. Do you think that he doesn’t like me? He laughed when I asked him and he said, “You’re too cute for words, Chloe.” So that means he does, right?

Oh, when I asked him if he thought Nicholas would be into you, he asked if you were a hag. A what? I told him that you’re seventeen and extremely hot (pre-missing toe).

I’m desperate, Heides!!!! I NEED a boyfriend!

Call me. I’m working all weekend.

-C

Chloe,

*gasp*

I’m texting from the emergency room.

*gasp*

I want Vicodin. I am in so much pain. I must text you before I’m too out of it to make sense.

I have to tell you about my horrible, horrible day. It started off normal, too. I went to Starbucks and got a skinny latte, two shots of soy, extra hot – you know I can’t stand them when they’re cold. Why bother drinking it?

Oh, and BTW, I’m sorry I didn’t go to your coffee shop. The coffee there sucks. It has nothing to do you making it, of course. And I don’t like the blue walls. They make me feel claustrophobic.

Anyway, so when I was there, I saw Mariah and she invited me to go shopping with her… and I agreed. Ugh. Why do I do that? While we were shopping she suggested that perhaps I should lay off the Starbucks for a while since I was putting on some pounds. RUDE, right? I am still so pissed off about that. I may need therapy to get over the trauma.

At least my boobs are natural. – Oh, and I made sure to tell her that.

So we went to the shoe store. OMG! I got these amazing strappy black shoes. They are TO.DIE.FOR. OMG! OMG! OMG! I can’t wait to wear them.

Okay… where was I? Oh, yeah…

When I tried them on I noticed that my toes were looking kinda raggedy. Ugh. I hadn’t been in to have a pedicure in forever. I know – I’m not one to let my personal upkeep get sloppy, but all I can say is that my mom is still ticked off that I took the car out last weekend and got it towed. I mean, hello, the street was not clearly marked. How was I supposed to know it was a no parking zone?

So anyway… you know I swore off that nail shop… yes that one… but it is the only one within walking distance and, uh, see above explanation regarding the car.

I know I shouldn’t have gone there. But I honestly thought this time would be different. I did!

THAT WOMAN PRACTICALLY CUT OFF MY TOE!!!!!!!!!!

I saw BLOOD… BLOOD!

I made them call an ambulance. I do not think that I over reacted. I could have lost my toe. What would I do if I lost my toe? I couldn’t even wear the new shoes I bought!

I’m waiting right now to see the doctor. These nurses won’t give me pain meds until he checks me.

*gasp*

*dying*

Do you think they’re going to have to do surgery? What if I have to have my toe cut off?

I might die from gangrene poisoning,

Heidi

Dear Heidi,

That is a lie! I was NOT cleaning the toilet. I was emptying the trashcan NEXT to the toilet.

Anyway, I met someone. I’m not sure if you know him. He’s a junior. His name is Lance. He is ULTRA-HOT. Perfectly styled black fauxhawk, nice shoes…He even gets his nails manicured. Total stud. He’s coming over to watch a movie with me later, if you want, I can have him bring a friend. I’ve seen him in the halls with Nicholas, the kid with the blond curls. He’s pretty sexy, too.

Let’s have a double date tonight! What do you think? Lance is bringing over something called “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” I hope it’s not too scary.

Call me!
-Chloe

C-LO!

Thanks for the night janitor offer. It’s nice to know you’re thinking of me. Um, thanks but no thanks.

Anyways, I heard that it isn’t really necessary anyway.

Trey heard from Scott, who heard from Rachel, who heard from Mike, that they saw you cleaning the toilets at the coffee shop. IS THAT TRUE?

OMG. THAT IS SO DISGUSTING.

If that’s what happens when you get a job – cleaning toilets – then I’m not getting a job. EVER.

‘Kay gotta jet. I’m going to lunch with Mariah.

Check ya later,

Heidi

Big News!!!!!

Guess what? I just got my first job! It is so cool. Ready? I work at a coffee shop. Awesome, right? I mean, I don’t know how to make it or anything, that’s what the drive thru is for, but it looks super easy. Plus, all the hot college guys hang out there.

I am so dope right now. If you want, I could try to get you a job there, too. I think they’re looking for a night janitor.

Gotta get to work. Love ya!

-Chloe

Hey Chloe,

OMG, I think I’ve found my calling. You know I love to help others, and I’ve found my opportunity.

I was at the doctors this afternoon and there was this book someone left there. I was just flipping through it (cuz why read it? Wait for the movie, I always say). It was called, He’s Just Not That Into You.

First of all, I thought the whole thing was kinda silly. Why would a girl want a boy that wasn’t into them? And second, why are they letting these boys call the shots?

I had no idea there were self-help books like this out there. Because I’m totally qualified to write one.

I can write a book that will benefit all the boys I know. It will totally help them, I think. Sorta like charity. So maybe I can write about it on my college applications. Do you think I should mention it?

I’m calling the book: I’m Just Not That Into You. And then in it, I’ll give the reasons why boys fail to impress me.

My first chapter will be:

I’m just not that into you… because you kiss like a wet seal. Seriously, wipe your mouth and swallow before you come anywhere near me.

And then:

I’m just not that into you… because you won’t stop talking. Hello?! This date is supposed to be focused on learning about me.

So, what do you think? Do you want to help me write it? Your name can be second. What do you think the next chapter should be?

Sparkles and purple ponies,

Heidi

Phew!

I am so glad what Natalie said wasn’t true. I should have known it wasn’t the basketball team. You HATE sports.

But guess what I just found out? Kimberly opened a fake myspace account and is cyber-dating an old dude! He’s like 28 with a kid or something! Ew…. Anyway, look her up. Her name is Angel baby. I know. So lame.

Well, I’ve got a jet. I have a Power Trippers Anonymous meeting. Kisses.

Love,
C-lo