Chloe, My Darling,

It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, my homework is done…

I KNOW! MY HOMEWORK IS DONE. I knew that would get you to pay attention. Ryan came over last night and he did it for me while I watched. I never noticed what a sweet boy he was. So nice.

Except, you know, I can’t date him. He has a cowlick. I hate those. They sort of give me the heebee jeebies.

I don’t know what you heard – but it isn’t true! That damn Jack. He took me out on a date last weekend and I knew I shouldn’t have gone. His nickname isn’t Jack-the-stripper for nothing.

We had a lovely dinner, sure. He even bought me Starbucks afterward. So I was like, wow, this guy is hot and he’s SO IN TO ME. You know that I like that when they listen to everything I say. He just sat there, nodding, like he cared. He didn’t even try to interrupt me. Cuz you know that’s my pet peeve. What’s a guy have to say that I need to listen to anyway?

So then he took me to the beach. We kissed for a long time. It was going well until – he took off all his clothes! I mean stripped butt ass NAKED on a public beach! I would have yelled at him too but, uh -- well I was distracted. Can you blame me? I mean, when do I get a free show?

But I wasn’t doing anything. I didn’t even ask for it. He just assumed that I was all slutty-McSlut-slut. Which TOTALLY offended me.

And at that moment, Natalie showed up. Sure, I was glad it wasn’t the cops or anything. Cuz I really didn’t want to spend time at the jail talking my way out of having my parents called. Especially since I was a half an hour late on curfew anyway. But I KNEW Natalie couldn’t wait to spread nasty rumors about me.

She is SO JEALOUS.

I’m going to egg her car.

I’m still the big V and waiting for my Prince. Or, you know, Orlando Bloom. He’s HOT. So don’t believe the hype.

‘Kay, gotta hit Chem class. Mr. Richeart hates when I’m late.

XOXO

“The Heid-ster”

The Quarterback signed my cast!

I know. It’s been horrible here. Thanks for staging that intervention. I had no idea how bad I’d gotten. Oh, and nice burn on Kimberly with the whole, “You’ve fallen so far Chloe, you’re beneath Kimberly on the ladder of popularity.” Her face was priceless.

Is it true? I heard some crazy rumor about you and Mr. You Know Who. I have to know…. HOW WAS IT??????

BTW, thanks for alerting the news team about my stint in rehab. The weather guy-SO HOT! We’re going on his boat this weekend. He says it’s going to be 70 out! Although…the snow isn’t melting as fast as I’d thought.

Oh well. I missed you love!!!!! We’ll totes talk soon.

Kisses,
Chloe

Chloe,

I’m so glad we’re friends again. I missed you! I had barely anyone to text while we weren’t talking.

I have SO.MUCH. to tell you. I’ll fill you in soon!

Love Again,

Heidi

PS – Sorry about the broken arm.

OMG

You're suspending me? How can the squad suspend me when I'm the flipping captain? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that while I'm gone, you're acting captain!

Oh it's on Heidi! IT IS ON!

-C

Chloe --

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You are seriously losing your mind.

NUMBER ONE:

I did NOT start that rumor about you. First of all, I would have chanted “A-Fence” because really, that’s the size your boobs are, after all. Don’t flatter yourself.

AND there is plenty of true stuff that I could start rumors about, if I wanted to.

For instance, you're seventeen and still wet your bed and suck your thumb. Don't you think I would have spilled that first?

NUMBER TWO:

I can't believe that you would make up such a desperate lie as I have three nipples. That's probably straight from Spinz mouth. He's been reading too much Maxim, and is cross-eyed by now to have come up with that stupidity.

You need to remember who your friends are. Who stood by you and supported you? Like that time when you started growing a mustache. Who held your hand when you got electrolysis? Me, that's who.

I'm sorry, I can not continue to support you as a friend if you don't crawl out of your own rear and start smelling the real world.

Hugs and kisses,

Heidi

Whoa!

Dear Heidi,

Um...did you start the rumor that my breasts are lopsided? Because Spinz totally said it was you. How could you? Did you see the signs they were holding up at the game?

"D-Fence! Or C-Fence?"

You're so lucky I can't hold a grudge against you. Because I would tell everyone about that third nipple.

Oh, and I'm going to be late for practice again. Photo shoot.

Peace,
Chloe

Dear Invisible Woman,

What the hell?

First you ditch me going at the mall – I went with Mariah.

Then you ditch me at lunch – I went with Kimberly.

But… And this is a HUGE BUT… You can not miss cheer practice. Uh, hello?! You are the captain now, bitch. It’s your job to be there.

I’m getting seriously irritated.

XOXO

Heidi

You Poor Thing!

Heidi,

Sorry I haven’t been around! I’ve been SOOO busy with this new popularity and everything. Did you know that the head cheerleader gets her own parking space? Sweet, right? Oh, and Mr. Bishop said I don’t have to turn in my Math assignment until next week. He’s so nice. He even offered to tutor me. The power of the skirt.

Too bad you didn’t win. I really was pulling for you. But hey, at least you have a hot guy now. Me? Oh, it’s too early for me to settle down, now that like, every guy in the school wants to date me. Kimberly said the power’s getting to my head, but whatever. She’s just mad because I made her wear the mascot costume. Haha. She looked great as the Beaver last weekend. With those teeth and everything.

Oh, well. I’ll see you at practice. I might be a little late because I promised the chess team I’d stop by and take some pictures with them for the yearbook. It’s really cool to be the hottest thing in school. Man. I really wish I could take you with. Maybe next time. :D

Love ya,
Chloe