???

Would you like to be friends again? I forgive you for backstabbing me and being a traitorous bitch.

Check one

[ ] Yes

[ ] No

P.S. I'm sorry I puked my lunch up in your closet, BUT you totally had it coming when you spray painted my car. That's all I'm sayin'.

Oodles of Kaboodles,

Heid-a-licious (that's what I'm calling myself now days)

Okay?

Heidi,

So it's been like a month since you've spoken to me. Are you really not over it yet? Okay, so yes... I did make out with your Camp Counselor and forget to take you home. Yes, I did ignore your texts for the next week. BUT, you were being rude. And my life coach thinks that I need to stand up for myself more.

And finally, yes. I did tell everyone that you were sent to camp because you gained 85 pounds because of a glandular problem. SO WHAT? They congratulated you on your weight loss when you got back, didn't they? Sheesh.

Well, I'm putting my foot down now. You'd better get over your little tantrum or we are so not friends anymore. You owe me! I emailed you the bus route and got your chubby ass back home!

Hugs and kisses,
Chloe

do not

DO NOT SMELL!

My car? Well...I sort of crashed it. Nothing bad or anything. They said it was totalled, but I didn't think so. I convinced my father to get it fixed anyway. And get this, I'm having them paint it pink! Isn't that soooo cute!

Tick... Tock...

Tick... tock...

FYI, your feet do smell.

What happened to your car?

--H

Well...

Only if you promise to let me borrow those shoes that I wanted. My feet DO NOT smell. I know you were just being mean.

So you'd better be nice to me, Heidi! You owe me BIG TIME for this. (btw, I have to steal my mom's mini van. My car's in the shop)

On my way!

-C

Seriously?

I didn't call you, you dumbass twit. I'm texting you. And I'm not dating anyone. Hello, I've been locked up for a month. I can see my absence hasn't made you smarter.

Get over here now!

--H

Really now?

Hm. Let me think about this, dear Heides. Promises, huh?

Oh, btw. Are you still dating what's his face? I can't remember his name. He didn't mention it when he was kissing my neck in the movie theatre.

Maybe Bucky Smifford should bust you out. He's obviously your new best friend. Afterall, you called him before you called me.

I'm a little hurt.

AND I MISS YOU!!!!!!! Life is so boring here. Everyone is so shallow!

-C

I SWEAR!!!!

Thank god I didn’t return this cell phone yet. Are you kidding me?! You’re not breaking me out?!

You would believe Bucky? Over me?

Did you forget who I am? Your best friend, that’s who.

Who gives you fashion advice when you so obviously need it? Me, that’s who.

Who lets you kiss her leftover guys? Me, that’s who.

Who listens to all your crap that no one wants to hear anyway? Me, that’s who.

Who holds your hair back when you puke? Me, that’s who…. Well, maybe not that one. That’s gross. If you puke you’re on your own.

Even if I did say that, I’m carb deprived. I don’t know what the hell I’m saying. You try being locked up here, eating a maximum of 1000 calories a day, and see if you don’t go a little crazy.

FYI, if you don’t get here today – You are going to regret it. And that is not a threat, it’s a promise.

Love ya,

Heidi

THANK GOD

You're still alive! I thought that creepy hockey mask dude might have killed you and hid you in the lake or something. I'm not going to lie. I'm a little upset with you right now.

You told Bucky Smifford that I was the one that should be at fat camp? Hm. You didn't think he'd tell me, did you? Well guess what, honey. A little tongue action goes a long way.

So I decided that you should finish your sentence. Ha!

-Your best pal,
Chloe

I'm on a stolen cell --

You better get your ass here now! You've left me for A MONTH!!! I can't take fat camp ONE.MORE.SECOND. If you don't break me out of this place - TODAY!!! - I will kick your ass!

Oh, and bring McDonalds -- Two quarter pounders with cheese. They don't feed me here. It's child abuse.

'Kay, gotta sneak this phone back.

Toodles,

Heidi

I'll Die!

Heides! I'll die if you don't come back soon! I am so furious with your mom right now. FAT CAMP? How could she send you there for 8 pounds? I mean, that's shallow. 10 I could see, but for 8, couldn't she kick up your pilates classes?

Ugh. Do they have you running around outside and stuff? Oh my word, do they even have a Starbucks!?

AHH!! That's it! I'm coming, honey. Don't you worry. I'm busting you out tonight. Oh, wait. I have a date tonight. But tomorrow! I promise.

Miss you!
-Chloe

Not Cool!

Heidi!

What were you thinking? Don’t you remember what Helga did to you last time? I told you that telling her to get her mole singed off was a bad idea. You poor thing.

Well good thing you didn’t come over the other night. That movie, “Rocky Horror…whatever” wasn’t even scary. In fact, Lance knew like all the words and everything. Then, I thought, okay, bad movie. He’ll want to make-out. Only he didn’t! He kept calling Nicholas all night and I TOLD him you weren’t coming. So there I was, suffering, and he didn’t even put his perfectly glossed lips on mine.

You know me, though. I’m not one to take it lying down. So when I walked him to the door, I grabbed him around the waist. Only…he leaned down and kissed my forehead. ??????? What does that mean? He’s so hot and I’m so depressed. Do you think that he doesn’t like me? He laughed when I asked him and he said, “You’re too cute for words, Chloe.” So that means he does, right?

Oh, when I asked him if he thought Nicholas would be into you, he asked if you were a hag. A what? I told him that you’re seventeen and extremely hot (pre-missing toe).

I’m desperate, Heides!!!! I NEED a boyfriend!

Call me. I’m working all weekend.

-C

Chloe,

*gasp*

I’m texting from the emergency room.

*gasp*

I want Vicodin. I am in so much pain. I must text you before I’m too out of it to make sense.

I have to tell you about my horrible, horrible day. It started off normal, too. I went to Starbucks and got a skinny latte, two shots of soy, extra hot – you know I can’t stand them when they’re cold. Why bother drinking it?

Oh, and BTW, I’m sorry I didn’t go to your coffee shop. The coffee there sucks. It has nothing to do you making it, of course. And I don’t like the blue walls. They make me feel claustrophobic.

Anyway, so when I was there, I saw Mariah and she invited me to go shopping with her… and I agreed. Ugh. Why do I do that? While we were shopping she suggested that perhaps I should lay off the Starbucks for a while since I was putting on some pounds. RUDE, right? I am still so pissed off about that. I may need therapy to get over the trauma.

At least my boobs are natural. – Oh, and I made sure to tell her that.

So we went to the shoe store. OMG! I got these amazing strappy black shoes. They are TO.DIE.FOR. OMG! OMG! OMG! I can’t wait to wear them.

Okay… where was I? Oh, yeah…

When I tried them on I noticed that my toes were looking kinda raggedy. Ugh. I hadn’t been in to have a pedicure in forever. I know – I’m not one to let my personal upkeep get sloppy, but all I can say is that my mom is still ticked off that I took the car out last weekend and got it towed. I mean, hello, the street was not clearly marked. How was I supposed to know it was a no parking zone?

So anyway… you know I swore off that nail shop… yes that one… but it is the only one within walking distance and, uh, see above explanation regarding the car.

I know I shouldn’t have gone there. But I honestly thought this time would be different. I did!

THAT WOMAN PRACTICALLY CUT OFF MY TOE!!!!!!!!!!

I saw BLOOD… BLOOD!

I made them call an ambulance. I do not think that I over reacted. I could have lost my toe. What would I do if I lost my toe? I couldn’t even wear the new shoes I bought!

I’m waiting right now to see the doctor. These nurses won’t give me pain meds until he checks me.

*gasp*

*dying*

Do you think they’re going to have to do surgery? What if I have to have my toe cut off?

I might die from gangrene poisoning,

Heidi

Dear Heidi,

That is a lie! I was NOT cleaning the toilet. I was emptying the trashcan NEXT to the toilet.

Anyway, I met someone. I’m not sure if you know him. He’s a junior. His name is Lance. He is ULTRA-HOT. Perfectly styled black fauxhawk, nice shoes…He even gets his nails manicured. Total stud. He’s coming over to watch a movie with me later, if you want, I can have him bring a friend. I’ve seen him in the halls with Nicholas, the kid with the blond curls. He’s pretty sexy, too.

Let’s have a double date tonight! What do you think? Lance is bringing over something called “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” I hope it’s not too scary.

Call me!
-Chloe

C-LO!

Thanks for the night janitor offer. It’s nice to know you’re thinking of me. Um, thanks but no thanks.

Anyways, I heard that it isn’t really necessary anyway.

Trey heard from Scott, who heard from Rachel, who heard from Mike, that they saw you cleaning the toilets at the coffee shop. IS THAT TRUE?

OMG. THAT IS SO DISGUSTING.

If that’s what happens when you get a job – cleaning toilets – then I’m not getting a job. EVER.

‘Kay gotta jet. I’m going to lunch with Mariah.

Check ya later,

Heidi

Big News!!!!!

Guess what? I just got my first job! It is so cool. Ready? I work at a coffee shop. Awesome, right? I mean, I don’t know how to make it or anything, that’s what the drive thru is for, but it looks super easy. Plus, all the hot college guys hang out there.

I am so dope right now. If you want, I could try to get you a job there, too. I think they’re looking for a night janitor.

Gotta get to work. Love ya!

-Chloe

Hey Chloe,

OMG, I think I’ve found my calling. You know I love to help others, and I’ve found my opportunity.

I was at the doctors this afternoon and there was this book someone left there. I was just flipping through it (cuz why read it? Wait for the movie, I always say). It was called, He’s Just Not That Into You.

First of all, I thought the whole thing was kinda silly. Why would a girl want a boy that wasn’t into them? And second, why are they letting these boys call the shots?

I had no idea there were self-help books like this out there. Because I’m totally qualified to write one.

I can write a book that will benefit all the boys I know. It will totally help them, I think. Sorta like charity. So maybe I can write about it on my college applications. Do you think I should mention it?

I’m calling the book: I’m Just Not That Into You. And then in it, I’ll give the reasons why boys fail to impress me.

My first chapter will be:

I’m just not that into you… because you kiss like a wet seal. Seriously, wipe your mouth and swallow before you come anywhere near me.

And then:

I’m just not that into you… because you won’t stop talking. Hello?! This date is supposed to be focused on learning about me.

So, what do you think? Do you want to help me write it? Your name can be second. What do you think the next chapter should be?

Sparkles and purple ponies,

Heidi

Phew!

I am so glad what Natalie said wasn’t true. I should have known it wasn’t the basketball team. You HATE sports.

But guess what I just found out? Kimberly opened a fake myspace account and is cyber-dating an old dude! He’s like 28 with a kid or something! Ew…. Anyway, look her up. Her name is Angel baby. I know. So lame.

Well, I’ve got a jet. I have a Power Trippers Anonymous meeting. Kisses.

Love,
C-lo

Chloe, My Darling,

It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, my homework is done…

I KNOW! MY HOMEWORK IS DONE. I knew that would get you to pay attention. Ryan came over last night and he did it for me while I watched. I never noticed what a sweet boy he was. So nice.

Except, you know, I can’t date him. He has a cowlick. I hate those. They sort of give me the heebee jeebies.

I don’t know what you heard – but it isn’t true! That damn Jack. He took me out on a date last weekend and I knew I shouldn’t have gone. His nickname isn’t Jack-the-stripper for nothing.

We had a lovely dinner, sure. He even bought me Starbucks afterward. So I was like, wow, this guy is hot and he’s SO IN TO ME. You know that I like that when they listen to everything I say. He just sat there, nodding, like he cared. He didn’t even try to interrupt me. Cuz you know that’s my pet peeve. What’s a guy have to say that I need to listen to anyway?

So then he took me to the beach. We kissed for a long time. It was going well until – he took off all his clothes! I mean stripped butt ass NAKED on a public beach! I would have yelled at him too but, uh -- well I was distracted. Can you blame me? I mean, when do I get a free show?

But I wasn’t doing anything. I didn’t even ask for it. He just assumed that I was all slutty-McSlut-slut. Which TOTALLY offended me.

And at that moment, Natalie showed up. Sure, I was glad it wasn’t the cops or anything. Cuz I really didn’t want to spend time at the jail talking my way out of having my parents called. Especially since I was a half an hour late on curfew anyway. But I KNEW Natalie couldn’t wait to spread nasty rumors about me.

She is SO JEALOUS.

I’m going to egg her car.

I’m still the big V and waiting for my Prince. Or, you know, Orlando Bloom. He’s HOT. So don’t believe the hype.

‘Kay, gotta hit Chem class. Mr. Richeart hates when I’m late.

XOXO

“The Heid-ster”

The Quarterback signed my cast!

I know. It’s been horrible here. Thanks for staging that intervention. I had no idea how bad I’d gotten. Oh, and nice burn on Kimberly with the whole, “You’ve fallen so far Chloe, you’re beneath Kimberly on the ladder of popularity.” Her face was priceless.

Is it true? I heard some crazy rumor about you and Mr. You Know Who. I have to know…. HOW WAS IT??????

BTW, thanks for alerting the news team about my stint in rehab. The weather guy-SO HOT! We’re going on his boat this weekend. He says it’s going to be 70 out! Although…the snow isn’t melting as fast as I’d thought.

Oh well. I missed you love!!!!! We’ll totes talk soon.

Kisses,
Chloe