Chloe,

OMG, I know I used to love ouji boards, but now they freak me out! I am so not kidding. They are pawns used by Satan.

I didn’t tell you what happened about a month ago. I went over to Christine’s house. Yeah, I know, she doesn’t brush her teeth that much and she has a flatulence problem.

Don’t get me started.

But you weren’t around so I was trying to be nice and work on my karmic energy. It’s been suffering lately and I have no idea why!

So we were drinking a little (a lot!) and she broke out the ouji board. I didn’t really feel like playing, but she was like, “Hey, put on your big-girl panties and shut up.”

And I was like all, “Whatever, witch. Bring it.”

So after about a half an hour of stupid stuff (like being told we needed to eat a king-size bag of Doritos in three minutes) the ouji board told me that I had to kiss her brother, Scott.

I freaked out over that one. There was NO WAY I was going to do it. Have you seen Scott? EWH!

But Christine told me that I HAD to do it. That if I didn’t, the universe would spin out of control and my dog would die or something.

How could I argue with that?

I shut my eyes, and held my breath…

It was the most disgusting thing ever. He brushes his teeth about as much as she does. Meaning = never.

I vomited at least twice afterward. And those Doritos hurt coming up!

Come to find out, it was all a lie! He paid her five bucks to “rig” the ouji board. And here I was thinking that it was a sign from the universe, or something!!!

Ouji boards are of the devil.

And I’m never speaking to Christine again.


Still brushing my teeth,
Heidi

Heidikins!!!

You are the best! Okay, I have all of our sleepover essentials:
* Boone's Farm and some Hard Lemonade
* Shaving cream for Jessica's face when she falls asleep
* Black Sharpie
* My phone so that I can snag her BF's number. Have you seen him??? So. Hot.
* Syrup and feathers
* My ouija board
* And for you, Depends.

This is going to be the best night ever. Oh, don't forget to ask your probation officer for permission.

Hugs!

Chloe

Those were fun times. ;)

I don't know, C. You weren't there for me. I cried. You know how that makes my face look too. I had red, blotchy eyes for a week. My mom made me go to the doctor because she thought I had some kind of infection or something.

Spray painting SLUT on your garage did make me feel better. Even though it was extremely bitchy that you pressed charges. How could you? I thought... Well I thought we'd be BFF's 4-ever!

One more chance and that's it. K? Bring the Boone's Farm to Jessica's. She's having the girls over tonight.

C-U there!

Heidi

Missed you!!! *kiss kiss

Heidi,

I hope this is still the right address. I am SO SORRY I haven’t been in touch. See, I met a guy… I know. We promised that a boy would never come between us, especially not someone from a drug rehab. But seriously, we were amazing together. We could finish each other’s sentences! Of course… all of Spike’s sentences ended with “Bro.” It was kind of annoying.

Anyway, I’m single again, girl! And I thought, who better to help me get back into the swing of things than my Heidikins? I need a girl’s night.

Hey, remember when we stole your mom minivan and packed if full of Doritos and Jello-shots? That was the best!! I think you made out with Mr. Gilberti that night. Member him? I wonder where he’s teaching now…

Anyway. Love you, miss you!!! Get back to me soon!

xoxo
Chloe

???

Would you like to be friends again? I forgive you for backstabbing me and being a traitorous bitch.

Check one

[ ] Yes

[ ] No

P.S. I'm sorry I puked my lunch up in your closet, BUT you totally had it coming when you spray painted my car. That's all I'm sayin'.

Oodles of Kaboodles,

Heid-a-licious (that's what I'm calling myself now days)

Okay?

Heidi,

So it's been like a month since you've spoken to me. Are you really not over it yet? Okay, so yes... I did make out with your Camp Counselor and forget to take you home. Yes, I did ignore your texts for the next week. BUT, you were being rude. And my life coach thinks that I need to stand up for myself more.

And finally, yes. I did tell everyone that you were sent to camp because you gained 85 pounds because of a glandular problem. SO WHAT? They congratulated you on your weight loss when you got back, didn't they? Sheesh.

Well, I'm putting my foot down now. You'd better get over your little tantrum or we are so not friends anymore. You owe me! I emailed you the bus route and got your chubby ass back home!

Hugs and kisses,
Chloe

do not

DO NOT SMELL!

My car? Well...I sort of crashed it. Nothing bad or anything. They said it was totalled, but I didn't think so. I convinced my father to get it fixed anyway. And get this, I'm having them paint it pink! Isn't that soooo cute!

Tick... Tock...

Tick... tock...

FYI, your feet do smell.

What happened to your car?

--H

Well...

Only if you promise to let me borrow those shoes that I wanted. My feet DO NOT smell. I know you were just being mean.

So you'd better be nice to me, Heidi! You owe me BIG TIME for this. (btw, I have to steal my mom's mini van. My car's in the shop)

On my way!

-C

Seriously?

I didn't call you, you dumbass twit. I'm texting you. And I'm not dating anyone. Hello, I've been locked up for a month. I can see my absence hasn't made you smarter.

Get over here now!

--H

Really now?

Hm. Let me think about this, dear Heides. Promises, huh?

Oh, btw. Are you still dating what's his face? I can't remember his name. He didn't mention it when he was kissing my neck in the movie theatre.

Maybe Bucky Smifford should bust you out. He's obviously your new best friend. Afterall, you called him before you called me.

I'm a little hurt.

AND I MISS YOU!!!!!!! Life is so boring here. Everyone is so shallow!

-C

I SWEAR!!!!

Thank god I didn’t return this cell phone yet. Are you kidding me?! You’re not breaking me out?!

You would believe Bucky? Over me?

Did you forget who I am? Your best friend, that’s who.

Who gives you fashion advice when you so obviously need it? Me, that’s who.

Who lets you kiss her leftover guys? Me, that’s who.

Who listens to all your crap that no one wants to hear anyway? Me, that’s who.

Who holds your hair back when you puke? Me, that’s who…. Well, maybe not that one. That’s gross. If you puke you’re on your own.

Even if I did say that, I’m carb deprived. I don’t know what the hell I’m saying. You try being locked up here, eating a maximum of 1000 calories a day, and see if you don’t go a little crazy.

FYI, if you don’t get here today – You are going to regret it. And that is not a threat, it’s a promise.

Love ya,

Heidi

THANK GOD

You're still alive! I thought that creepy hockey mask dude might have killed you and hid you in the lake or something. I'm not going to lie. I'm a little upset with you right now.

You told Bucky Smifford that I was the one that should be at fat camp? Hm. You didn't think he'd tell me, did you? Well guess what, honey. A little tongue action goes a long way.

So I decided that you should finish your sentence. Ha!

-Your best pal,
Chloe

I'm on a stolen cell --

You better get your ass here now! You've left me for A MONTH!!! I can't take fat camp ONE.MORE.SECOND. If you don't break me out of this place - TODAY!!! - I will kick your ass!

Oh, and bring McDonalds -- Two quarter pounders with cheese. They don't feed me here. It's child abuse.

'Kay, gotta sneak this phone back.

Toodles,

Heidi

I'll Die!

Heides! I'll die if you don't come back soon! I am so furious with your mom right now. FAT CAMP? How could she send you there for 8 pounds? I mean, that's shallow. 10 I could see, but for 8, couldn't she kick up your pilates classes?

Ugh. Do they have you running around outside and stuff? Oh my word, do they even have a Starbucks!?

AHH!! That's it! I'm coming, honey. Don't you worry. I'm busting you out tonight. Oh, wait. I have a date tonight. But tomorrow! I promise.

Miss you!
-Chloe

Not Cool!

Heidi!

What were you thinking? Don’t you remember what Helga did to you last time? I told you that telling her to get her mole singed off was a bad idea. You poor thing.

Well good thing you didn’t come over the other night. That movie, “Rocky Horror…whatever” wasn’t even scary. In fact, Lance knew like all the words and everything. Then, I thought, okay, bad movie. He’ll want to make-out. Only he didn’t! He kept calling Nicholas all night and I TOLD him you weren’t coming. So there I was, suffering, and he didn’t even put his perfectly glossed lips on mine.

You know me, though. I’m not one to take it lying down. So when I walked him to the door, I grabbed him around the waist. Only…he leaned down and kissed my forehead. ??????? What does that mean? He’s so hot and I’m so depressed. Do you think that he doesn’t like me? He laughed when I asked him and he said, “You’re too cute for words, Chloe.” So that means he does, right?

Oh, when I asked him if he thought Nicholas would be into you, he asked if you were a hag. A what? I told him that you’re seventeen and extremely hot (pre-missing toe).

I’m desperate, Heides!!!! I NEED a boyfriend!

Call me. I’m working all weekend.

-C

Chloe,

*gasp*

I’m texting from the emergency room.

*gasp*

I want Vicodin. I am in so much pain. I must text you before I’m too out of it to make sense.

I have to tell you about my horrible, horrible day. It started off normal, too. I went to Starbucks and got a skinny latte, two shots of soy, extra hot – you know I can’t stand them when they’re cold. Why bother drinking it?

Oh, and BTW, I’m sorry I didn’t go to your coffee shop. The coffee there sucks. It has nothing to do you making it, of course. And I don’t like the blue walls. They make me feel claustrophobic.

Anyway, so when I was there, I saw Mariah and she invited me to go shopping with her… and I agreed. Ugh. Why do I do that? While we were shopping she suggested that perhaps I should lay off the Starbucks for a while since I was putting on some pounds. RUDE, right? I am still so pissed off about that. I may need therapy to get over the trauma.

At least my boobs are natural. – Oh, and I made sure to tell her that.

So we went to the shoe store. OMG! I got these amazing strappy black shoes. They are TO.DIE.FOR. OMG! OMG! OMG! I can’t wait to wear them.

Okay… where was I? Oh, yeah…

When I tried them on I noticed that my toes were looking kinda raggedy. Ugh. I hadn’t been in to have a pedicure in forever. I know – I’m not one to let my personal upkeep get sloppy, but all I can say is that my mom is still ticked off that I took the car out last weekend and got it towed. I mean, hello, the street was not clearly marked. How was I supposed to know it was a no parking zone?

So anyway… you know I swore off that nail shop… yes that one… but it is the only one within walking distance and, uh, see above explanation regarding the car.

I know I shouldn’t have gone there. But I honestly thought this time would be different. I did!

THAT WOMAN PRACTICALLY CUT OFF MY TOE!!!!!!!!!!

I saw BLOOD… BLOOD!

I made them call an ambulance. I do not think that I over reacted. I could have lost my toe. What would I do if I lost my toe? I couldn’t even wear the new shoes I bought!

I’m waiting right now to see the doctor. These nurses won’t give me pain meds until he checks me.

*gasp*

*dying*

Do you think they’re going to have to do surgery? What if I have to have my toe cut off?

I might die from gangrene poisoning,

Heidi

Dear Heidi,

That is a lie! I was NOT cleaning the toilet. I was emptying the trashcan NEXT to the toilet.

Anyway, I met someone. I’m not sure if you know him. He’s a junior. His name is Lance. He is ULTRA-HOT. Perfectly styled black fauxhawk, nice shoes…He even gets his nails manicured. Total stud. He’s coming over to watch a movie with me later, if you want, I can have him bring a friend. I’ve seen him in the halls with Nicholas, the kid with the blond curls. He’s pretty sexy, too.

Let’s have a double date tonight! What do you think? Lance is bringing over something called “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” I hope it’s not too scary.

Call me!
-Chloe

C-LO!

Thanks for the night janitor offer. It’s nice to know you’re thinking of me. Um, thanks but no thanks.

Anyways, I heard that it isn’t really necessary anyway.

Trey heard from Scott, who heard from Rachel, who heard from Mike, that they saw you cleaning the toilets at the coffee shop. IS THAT TRUE?

OMG. THAT IS SO DISGUSTING.

If that’s what happens when you get a job – cleaning toilets – then I’m not getting a job. EVER.

‘Kay gotta jet. I’m going to lunch with Mariah.

Check ya later,

Heidi

Big News!!!!!

Guess what? I just got my first job! It is so cool. Ready? I work at a coffee shop. Awesome, right? I mean, I don’t know how to make it or anything, that’s what the drive thru is for, but it looks super easy. Plus, all the hot college guys hang out there.

I am so dope right now. If you want, I could try to get you a job there, too. I think they’re looking for a night janitor.

Gotta get to work. Love ya!

-Chloe